Burlington, VT - Howard Dean dropped out of the Democratic presidential
race on Wednesday, and declared himself King of the new nation of
people have spoken,” said Dean, “damn them!” He
added, “The dismal performance of my campaign proves the American
people are not ready for democracy. Clearly we need a monarchy.” He
stated that Vermont is leaving the US to become Vermontia, and he
would rule as King Howard I.
In his first act as King, Dean said Vermontia would grant asylum
to all Americans who voted for him in the presidential primary states. “My
supporters have suffered, said Dean. “In Vermontia they will
no longer face the daily verbal abuse and ridicule that comes from
believing I would be a good president.” Dean also reopened
a long running border dispute with New
Hampshire and threatened to invade Massachusetts unless Senator John Kerry “shows
Vermontia was quickly recognized by the United Nations, with Fiji
and Liechtenstein expressing satisfaction that another irrelevant
nation would be joining. President Bush had no issue with Vermont
declaring independence, saying that he always “got it mixed
up with New Hampshire anyway”. Bush did warn Dean not to make
Vermontia an “annoying liberal country like Canada”.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said he was ready to invade Vermontia
and “kick some Green Mountain ass” if Dean did not behave.
Vermontia will retain its legislature, and all representatives will
be issued rubber stamps. The national anthem will be the Star Spangled
Howl, inspired by Dean’s infamous scream after the Iowa primary.
A royal edict states that Dean’s birthday, Nov. 21, will be
a national holiday and everybody gets a free Ben & Jerry’s
ice cream cone.
Dean announced he was offering Al Gore the position of court jester.
Gore, who has been hiding under his bed ever since endorsing Dean,
was not available for comment.
There was no word on whether Dean’s wife, Judy Steinberg Dean,
would be Vermontia’s queen. Insiders say she was urging Dean
to start taking his meds again, and was reading up on Napoleonic
Dean said his reign as King of Vermontia would prove to skeptics
his fitness for leading a country. “It’s a common misconception
that a nation’s leader must be calm, reasonable, and rational,” he
said. “ I am doing this for loud, annoying know-it-alls everywhere.”