Washington D.C. - At a press conference yesterday, White House
spokesman Scott McClellan announced that all political and military
Iraq would be handed over to the Galactic Empire, starting October 1,
ceding power to the Empire, the U.S. can free itself from the arduous
and unenviable duty of policing Iraq, without losing face in front
of the world. "The move is also beneficial to Iraq," McClellan
added: the U.N. has no political authority over the Galactic Empire;
as such, the Empire's nation-building efforts will not be "stymied
by the relentless navel-gazing of the Earth's U.N. Security Council," Lord
Vader, Supreme Commander of the Empire's armed forces, stated in
a live-video interview from his lavish suite on the Executor, his
Super Star Destroyer-class ship currently in orbit around Jupiter.
By bypassing the U.N., the Empire will be able to start restoring
order in the hard-pressed country as soon as the end of the week. "The
good thing is that we will be able to bring peace and order to
the Iraqi people right away without having to go through endless
rounds of U.N. quibbling and power-gaming," Vader explained. "Obviously,
this is the best course of action for Iraq."
As a point of fact, the Galactic Empire is a well-suited candidate
for the job. "They have had eons of experience in bringing
control to lawless planets and crushing huge armies of insurgents," says
Empire specialist Jeb van Dale of the Dalhousie University in Halifax,
Nova Scotia. "And, unlike the U.S., they simply have the manpower
to pull this off". The Empire can deploy up to two million
stormtroopers in Iraq by the end of the week, bringing welcome
relief to the exhausted U.S. garrisons tasked with maintaining
control of the country.
Lord Vader is convinced the Iraqis will hail their new leaders
and embrace their newfound safety and security eagerly. "They
are hard-working people who are used to being subjugated by a cruel,
evil and inhumane dictator. As such, I know they will be very comfortable
with their new leader, His Highness, the Emperor Palpatine."
By the end of the day, the first contingents of stormtroopers
were being brought in to take control of the towns of Najaf and
Karbala. "Wow, this place is just like Tatooine!" Jab
Erhar, 2nd lieutenant with the 342nd Galactic Expeditionary Brigade,
exclaimed upon disembarkation. "Endless desert, stifling heat,
strange animals, rogue bands of rebels and weapons' smugglers:
this is exactly what we've been training for!"
Lord Vader is confident his troops will be able to restore order
to the country within days. "Our troopers are extremely well
trained and motivated. The bands of Fedayeen Saddam guerillas still
active in the country will be no match for our AT-AT walkers and
Lord Vader is planning on using the power of the Force to locate
Saddam Hussein and have him captured. "We are going to carbon-freeze
him and put him up on display in the center of Baghdad. This will
deal a crushing blow to the morale of his underlings."
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