Since I moved my office last week I didn't have time to post new Geek Horoscopes, so I posted some repeats from last year. Looks like I'll have to do that more often...
Science is the Work of the Devil
By David Olsen
Dr. Nick Lucifer a reclusive PhD in Biology, Cosmology, Chemistry, and Comparative Religion, is a fellow at Cornell-Putnam University. He used to be religious and even lived in Heaven as an archangel, although now he quietly publishes papers in his fields and reads associated journals. Although usually rather reclusive nowadays. Old Nick has come forward to correct what he says is an error made by many of today's scientists:
When I left Heaven, it was because of my love for science. The Bible, as many of us know, portrays events that did not occur, such as myself being cast out of Heaven; I left willingly. This is just another fact the Bible has wrong, such as the Sun going around the Earth, or God creating the universe.
"I was there from the beginning. Earth was already several billion years old when God showed up about 6000 years ago, with Me, Mike, Ralph, Gabe and a few of the other guys. Suddenly the old coot, starts spouting out stuff like, 'I created the Earth' and 'Life is my greatest achievement'. We sorta looked at each other and back at him. I was the only one to speak up."
Just for the record, those pillars of salt and all that smiting are nothing compared to how pissed the guy got when I told him 'Dude, we were here when you found this place.' He started yelling about how we were turning against him, and how he knew he should have ditched us a long time ago. Then Mike goes 'What, I saw him make it.' Ralph chimed in 'It was totally bad ass when he put that planet together.' I was flabbergasted.
Just because somebody says something doesn't make it frick'n true! Some basic scientific evidence would have proved my point, but they refused to hear any word of it. They didn't even bother to check that the Earth was the one moving around the Sun and not the other way around, in fact they later dubbed the Earth the center of the universe! After a while, I just gave up. It became too much for me. I resigned, and science quickly became my passion.
Now, to the problem. Say what you will about His followers today, but they are indeed correct in one respect: 'Science is the work of the devil'. I have only published a few minor papers, and I have yet to have a big find, and my goal of earning the Nobel Prize is still nothing more than a pipe dream. But still, Science is now my life's work.
I have been witness to some of the greatest scientific breakthroughs in human history. Curing polio, the mastery of the atom, understanding the gene. All the while, He has been telling people what to think, and He's so fricking absentminded he forgets details here and there, and then those people get pissed and fight bloody wars over those different details. That's one of the things that attracted me to science first. If you tell the truth and understand the truth, you don't have to remember your story.
Although I have achieved many degrees in academia, I somehow can't remove the stigma placed on me by some 12th century smear campaign. Being given credit for everything 'evil', and having somebody else take credit for everything 'good', could casts anyone in a bad light. Some of the things said about me are almost too wrong for words; 'The Devil wants your Soul!', 'If you don't believe in God, the Devil will put in a fiery pit and burn you forever!,' and my personal favorite 'The Devil tempts you to do evil.'
1) First off, I have found no scientific evidence you even have a soul, secondly if it exists it would seemingly have no valid scientific value.
2) Next, why would I ever punish you for not believing in God? It is doubtful any of you have met the guy. I have and believe me, he's a pompous jerk, but that's beside the point. Threats of eternal damnation are not examples of logical or reasonable thought which tend to be more my style. Furthermore, if I hated God why would I setup an institution to drive people towards Him? It would be like me saying 'If you don't believe in evolution, then the terrorists have already won.'
3) Finally, I don't tempt you to do evil. It would be a time-consuming activity and just keeping up-to-date on the science journals takes up most of my time. If I had to go around tempting folks to do evil all the time, I would never get any work done towards my Computer Science degree.
So next time somebody tosses around a statement like 'science is the work of the devil' take a step back and consider the facts before denying it's true. We are scientists after all, and many of you may not be aware of my work. Please, ask before you speculate about what I do, responding without at least any information makes all scientists, including myself, look bad.
Thank you for your time, Dr. Nick Eugine Lucifer, PhD.