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Monday, November 29 12:00 PM ET

US Officials Stop River at Border

By Rob Kroll

Washington DC - US officials have stopped the Milk River from reentering US soil at the Canada-US border in Montana. The errant river starts as a glacier river in Colorado, leaving the US to flow through Alberta before eventually returning in Montana. Or so it thought. US officials, citing a lack of papers on the river's behalf, have announced that they are denying the river reentry.

"It's simple," said a top Whitehouse official, speaking on condition of anonymity, "the river left the US without first speaking to a consulate about getting proper documentation, and now it wants back in. It doesn't have a passport, for Pete's sake! How are we supposed to be fighting a war on Terra if we let all manner of things into the country without papers? Even if they claim to be American, we have to protect our soil from the Terrorists that lurk behind every corner. What? Yes, I know the microphone is still on. I'm serious. Stop laughing. "

When asked why now, and why with this particular river, the official said that it was time to take a stand, and that they had to pick something to be the example. "First it's air, then it's rivers, then it's animals, and before you know it, there's all manner of terrorist coming in across the border. And let me tell you, as soon as we find a way, we're going to build a wall to keep all our God-blessed hot air out of that frozen wasteland to the North."

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When we asked the Canadian Ambassador what Canada's response was to this statement, he simply shrugged his shoulders and said "thanks?"

The Milk river is at the center of a century-old dispute between the US and Canada over the distribution of water resources between the two countries. It does not look like it is going to be resolved any time soon.

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