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Tuesday, November 16 12:00 PM ET

Bush to Abolish Government

By Adam Tan

Washington DC - In what is believed to be the most ambitious second-term agenda in recent presidential history, George W. Bush announced yesterday he plans to abolish the federal government "in its entirety" by the end of 2005 and then rule "by decree." Bush stated that his program reflects "the overwhelming and unverifiable mandate" he received in the election.

Administration officials have already made great progress in carrying out the President's bold vision. A senior official stated that plans to replace all federal taxes with a 10% religious tithe "to the Christian church of the individual believer's choice" were essentially in place. "We've also fleshed out the feudal levy system we'll need to preserve our military strength at home and around the world," the official said.

However, several officials closely involved with the initiative privately admit they have not "fully resolved" the details of Bush's sweeping proposal. "The President is committed to uprooting the heresy of 'evolution' from our nation's schools, but there is still disagreement over whether mass arrests of teachers will be the most effective way to go about it," said a source in the Department of Education. The source expressed optimism the proposed "College is for Terrorists" advertising campaign will "help depress the thoroughly excessive education levels in this country." A similar "Lituracy is Borring" campaign, aimed mainly at children, is expected to be unveiled later in the year.

Proposals to relocate homosexuals to "protective encampments" have stirred debate within the administration. "Many of us feel this encampment solution is far too tolerant," said a senior administration source speaking on condition of anonymity. A suggestion to "just dump the gays in Fallujah" is "slowly gaining traction" with Bush, according to this source.

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Perhaps the most controversial part of Bush's plan is the "Golden Years" program, which would replace Social Security with a nationwide chain of video poker parlors. "Not only would this save enormous amounts of taxes -- er -- tithes, but I think our seniors would have a blast," said Treasury Secretary John Snow.

However, the "Golden Years" initiative has stirred opposition from the President's core supporters on the religious right, who condemn the plan's reliance on gambling. Reports that the video poker contract will be awarded to Diebold have further mired the effort in controversy. Snow admitted that implementation of the program "may have to wait until after the midterms."

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