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Monday, August 21 12:00 AM ET

Babies Banned from Flying

By Chris Jones

Washington, DC - Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced yesterday that because of an increase in disturbances aboard aircraft by unruly babies, all children under the age of three are now forbidden from flying. Anyone with a small child will be asked to either discard it or stow it in their checked bagged.

Dumpsters will be provided at security checkpoints for disposal. The new restriction also removes the breast milk and formula loophole in the current no liquids carry-on rule.

This change in airport security policy, effectively immediately, comes after a London-to- New York flight that was recently diverted to Washington D.C. after a 17-month old baby threw an hour-long temper tantrum. According to eyewitnesses, the suspect screamed for "num nums" and "juice juice" and then lost control when its guardians didn't comply quickly enough for its liking.

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The carnage culminated when an undercover air marshal took the suspect down as it tried to break into the pilot's cabin in a frantic obscenity-laden search for its "wee wee box". The child was taken into custody by authorities as soon as the plane landed and an investigation into possible al-Qaeda ties is pending.

Lawyers for the child or its guardians could not be reached for comment. An unnamed source close to the family said that while they are deeply sorry for the incident, they are glad to have the little terror taken off their hands. The anonymous insider further went to say that perhaps now they will be able to get a full night's sleep for a change.

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