Washington, D. C. - Following on the success of the "Cash for Clunkers" program, the House of Representatives is currently debating the "Moolah for Moochers" program, which would set aside $2 billion for reducing the unemployment rate.
Representative Evan Dorado, Republican from Texas, introduced the controversial bill last week. The bill reduces unemployment by offering cash, up to $4500, to unemployed persons for removing themselves permanently from the workforce.
Rep. Dorado explained how the program would work. "The government will be offering cash incentives to unemployed worker's family who voluntarily visit Worker Reclamation Centers to end their careers permanently. The longer you've been out of work, the more money your family receives. If you've been out of work for over a year, your family receives $1500, over 18 months $2000 and so on up to a maximum of $4500," said Dorado.
If enacted the bill could remove almost 2 million people from the workforce permanently, reducing the unemployment rate significantly.
Democrats said they would only support the bill if it included language that would require carbon reclamation of the biological units. "We understand that removing these people from the workforce will also reduce their carbon footprint to zero, but the process of removing them releases a lot of carbon into the atmosphere," said Majority Leader Steny Hoyer.
Dorado has hinted that he's flexible on the method of removing the workers. "We don't have to burn them in a coal-powered furnace like I've proposed. We could just vaporize them with the ultra-secret Phoenix Death Ray the Air Force stores at Area 51," said Dorado.
If this bill passes, Congress will consider a similar approach to tackling rising health care costs. Some doctors may lose their jobs, but that will be fine because of the "Moolah for Moochers" bill.
The Senate will not get to the bill until after the August break, but expects easy passage.