Washington D. C. - Facing opposition on both sides of the aisle, President Obama proposed new measures for his health care plan to court the geek population's support for the issue.
In the plan, citizens facing end of life issues would meet with the "Death Master" to determine if their health care insurance will cover their treatment. The "Death Master" will conduct a complete health history and determine roll modifiers. For example, a smoker would get a -3 to their roll, while a fit person would get a +2.
After completing the survey, the "Death Master" will supervise the saving throw, and declare whether the person will live or die depending on their roll. If a person does not have a 20-sided die (d20) one will be provided for them at no cost.
The administration feels the plan will encourage healthy behaviors in the populous, and solidify Obama's reputation as a geek.
The "Death Master" will be a cabinet-level position and will be appointed by the President.
The saving throws would replace the fictional "death panels" created by conservatives trying to derail health care reform. "It will all be mathematically determined. Decisions won't be left up to a fantasy panel of government bureaucrats but by an algorithm and a roll of the die from a fantasy game," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.
If successful, saving throws could be implemented system wide to determine who does and doesn't get care. "If a person needs antibiotics for strep throat, a roll of the die could determine whether they get it or not. It would streamline the decision process for doctors and remove a lot of the bloat in the current system," said Gibbs.
Republicans voiced immediate opposition to the proposal with former Alaska governor Sarah Palin leading the charge. "Health care soaring against the northern lights. Denali giver of life. The dice roll into the future," said Palin.
The Nerd Caucus in the House of Representatives announced their support.
|
