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Wednesday, January 28 12:00 AM EST

Impressive Hair Leads Kerry to Victory in New Hampshire

By Dan Barash

Concord, NH - New Hampshire primary voters, taken with Senator John Kerry’s presidential hair, gave him victory in the second test of Democratic presidential candidates. Analysis of voting results points to hair as the decisive factor in Kerry’s win. According to political scholar Norman Ornstein, “You can’t minimize the importance of hair in this race. Sure, Kerry was a hero in Vietnam and has many years of foreign policy experience, but it is the hair that leaves a strong impression on voters. Barring evidence of dandruff, Kerry could ride his pompadour to the White House.”

James Taylor knows the importance of hair and Kerry's hair is "impressive."

The other Democratic candidates are scrambling to make up lost ground in the hair race. Second place finisher Howard Dean said, “In my 12 years as governor, I have made Vermont the most hirsute state in the union. Ben and Jerry are proof of that. And I’m a real Democrat with real hair.”

Senator John Edwards is proposing a “national toupee registry, to insure those who desperately need hair are matched with the best available hairpieces.” Senator Joe Lieberman, who has a personal struggle with hair loss, features an emotional visit to a New Hampshire baldness support group in his next campaign commercial.

General Wesley Clark has announced that he has chosen Yanni as his running mate. Ornstein called the selection a “masterstroke. Clark has simultaneously picked up support of both big hair lovers and those who are entranced by elevator music.”

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Experts agree that it was Dick Gephardt’s thin and lifeless hair that doomed his campaign.

The hair factor has not gone unnoticed in the Bush campaign. Aides say political guru Karl Rove has created a hairy reelection strategy for the President. Its cornerstone will be a dramatic pledge by Bush to cure baldness by 2015. According to Rove, “Our hair technology has floundered since the success of spray-on hair in the 80’s. We need to show that America is tops when it comes to hair.”

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