Concord, NH - New Hampshire primary voters, taken with Senator
John Kerry’s presidential hair, gave him victory in the second
test of Democratic presidential candidates. Analysis of voting results
points to hair as the decisive factor in Kerry’s win. According
to political scholar Norman Ornstein, “You can’t minimize
the importance of hair in this race. Sure, Kerry was a hero in Vietnam
and has many years of foreign policy experience, but it is the hair
that leaves a strong impression on voters. Barring evidence of dandruff,
Kerry could ride his pompadour to the White House.”
James Taylor knows the importance of hair and Kerry's hair
The other Democratic candidates are scrambling to make up lost
ground in the hair race. Second place finisher Howard Dean said, “In
my 12 years as governor, I have made Vermont the most hirsute
state in the union. Ben and Jerry are proof of that. And I’m
a real Democrat with real hair.”
Senator John Edwards is proposing a “national toupee registry,
to insure those who desperately need hair are matched with the best
available hairpieces.” Senator Joe Lieberman, who has a
personal struggle with hair loss, features an emotional visit
to a New Hampshire baldness support group in his next campaign commercial.
General Wesley Clark has announced that he has chosen Yanni as
his running mate. Ornstein called the selection a “masterstroke.
Clark has simultaneously picked up support of both big hair lovers
and those who are entranced by elevator music.”
Experts agree that it was Dick Gephardt’s thin and lifeless
hair that doomed his campaign.
The hair factor has not gone unnoticed in the Bush campaign.
Aides say political guru Karl Rove has created a hairy reelection
strategy for the President. Its cornerstone will be a dramatic pledge
by Bush to cure baldness by 2015. According to Rove, “Our hair technology
has floundered since the success of spray-on hair in the 80’s.
We need to show that America is tops when it comes to hair.”
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