Austin, TX - The board of directors of Dell ruled unanimously that
the present CEO, Michael Dell, was being replaced by Vishnu the Orangutan,
a resident of the Calcutta Zoo in India.
A spokesperson via satellite from Bombay said that Mr. Dell was
just too expensive. “We are tired of the drain on profits that
his million dollar salary, paid vacations, political campaign donations
and stock options are causing,” said board member Terrence
Vishnu can ruin employee morale and get in the way of productivity
just as well as any human CEO. And look at him, he is so darling
when he sticks his tongue out," continued Thompson.
Vishnu receives a far more competitive salary of $300,000, coconut
options and a 50-foot yacht. "While less than the average CEO
salary, it is nearly double the average for an orangutan.”
Dell’s stock soared on the cost-cutting news, but tapered
off after announcements that dividends would be cut unless shareholders
personally held 100,000 shares or more.
Many analysts now question whether Dell is still an American corporation,
especially now that the CEO is a great ape in India.
Prudential’s Benjamin Bloom said, "Our current beliefs
are that if the CEO is an American, the company is American, regardless
of how much of the work is done by Americans.
“Ford is considered an American company, even though most
of their parts are made and assembled in Malaysia or Canada. Dell
was still considered an American company even when its software designers,
engineers, marketers, lobbyists and even janitors were farmed out
to India and Vietnam. But exporting the CEO? This is clearly a new
paradigm in corporate structure!"
Vishnu could not be reached for an interview.
photograph courtesy Philip
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