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Wednesday, June 15 12:00 AM ET

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.


Believers

Everyone's favorite Nigerian strikes again ...

From: Teresa
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2005 2:53 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: help

I just read your story. I am in need of financial help. I have chronic health problems & have been off work for a couple of weeks. I would be more than happy to take help from Ayele.

Sorry Teresa, you'll have to do better than that...

From: martin
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2005 8:46 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Re: Nigerian Benefactor

Dear Mr Briggs-my question is, if in fact your article is genuine, how do I get in touch with the above-named personality? Or is this confidential?

Briefly; I am from New Zealand, I am an ex school Teacher, who has gone back to Varsity after 30-odd years! I am involved in a variety of community projects etc...
I await your response, as soon as practicable?
Have a wonderful day!

How much guilt should I feel for fooling these people?

If you remember last week we had a Believer for the Metallica's "Download This" album. I told you I'd update if he replied again and he did...

From: Marc
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2005 11:36 AM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: RE: Metallica Download This

fcking cunt :P

Definitely a Metallica fan.


Apologies from a Nation

Last week a Yu-Gi-Oh fan from the Netherlands ripped me a new one for telling the truth about his game. One Netherlander offered an apology...

From: xxxxxxxx@planet.nl
Sent: Wednesday, June 08, 2005 5:44 AM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: Apologies on behalf of a nation

Dear Mr. Briggs,

I'd like to offer my deepest, sincerest apologies on behalf of my entire nation for the email you received concerning your review of Yu-Gi-Oh. The entire nation of the Netherlands is shocked and appalled by this blatant display of total and complete idiocy.

This person has obviously suffered from prolonged exposure to the debilitating force that is Yu-Gi-Oh and cannot be held responsible for his actions. Analysis of the email in question shows a total of 45 exclamation marks and a word-count of 38, giving the author a EM/W factor (Exclamation Marks per Word, also known as the AOL
quotient) of 1.184, which would lead us to estimate his intelligence as being approximately that of, say, a small waterbisquit.

The author will be removed from society and treated for his mental instability, although chances of recovery are limited.

I replied...

Van: Brian Briggs <briggsb@bbspot.com>
Datum: woensdag, juni 8, 2005 9:44 pm
Onderwerp: RE: Apologies on behalf of a nation

Thank you very much. I should be nicer to your country. I was in the airport for a few hours there, and it was wonderful. Actually, I felt sick, but that wasn't any fault of yours, unless it was the ketchup they charged me for at the McDonald's :-)

From: xxxxxx@planet.nl
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2005 8:30 AM
To: Brian Briggs
Subject: Re: RE: Apologies on behalf of a nation

I can imagine it actually having been the ketchup. It's a fact that nobody puts ketchup on their french fries over here. It's mayonnaise or nothing for us (it was our darkest secret right up until Quentin Tarantino spilled the beans). I reckon those poor McDonald's employees were aghast at the demand for ketchup and had to search high and low for this elusive and strange substance, only to find an old packet amongst the baby-shoes and empty wallets in the lost and found department. Riddled with dust and probably from some long forgotten age time when ketchup was fabricated using actual tomatoes...

In most countries people are advised to only drink bottled water. Not here though, the water is just fine (It's passed through so many kidneys it's bound to be pure!). Just make sure you eat your french fries "au naturelle".

I think I'll get my connecting flight through London next time.


And Finally...

One BBspotter makes up his own song lyrics...

From: Mark A. Lavallee
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2005 12:35 PM
To: briggsb@bbspot.com
Subject: submissions

To the Tune of "Holiday" by Green Day.

Read your inbox for a flame
From some guy who took his hard drive to the grave (Hey!)
The Shame, he’s stupid and you are to blame
There’s a song as a parody,
To the hymn called Bohemian Rhapsody, (Hey!)
A plead, please donate for my computer today.
I beg for you to give out the address of the Nigerian Millionaire
This keeps the spam going for the rest of our lives,
On BBspot today.

There're new horoscopes this time
Another joke when the stars align (hey!)
To find, to you the stars are not so kind
Can I get a game review (review!)
Or just the box cause that’s all that you can view
Not a gag, your computer won’t run XP just yet
I beg to write and laugh at all our hollow lives
This is the mocking of a true geek’s life
On BBspot today

“The representative from Seattle has the floor”
Surf out to the BBspot Mailbag
A sarcastic reply is your punishment
For not getting the humor found here
And asking for a Feng Shui kit
Bang Bang go the Microsoft gags man
Kill all the files in the directory tree
Setting fires, hard drive fires
You did it out of stupidity,
Just cause, Just cause
It was on BBspot today

I beg for the replacement of my mouse and you should pay
Your lab page has sucked out the rest of its life
I beg for the website for Advanced Longhorn Licensing
This is the dawning of OS based personalities
On BBspot today

This was on BBspot today.

 

 


That's all for this week!

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