Austin, TX – In a recent press conference, billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk announced that Tesla’s newest Autopilot update will not only not be “woke,” but will be actively “anti-woke.”
According to Musk, this decision was made to avoid any potential problems that could arise from having a “woke” autopilot. “We don’t want our cars to be too sensitive or easily triggered,” he stated. “Imagine if your car refuses to drive past a statue of a historical figure because it has been deemed offensive by some people. That would be ridiculous. If there’s a Confederate general honored in your town, you’re going to see it.”
He added that Tesla cars with Autopilot features enabled will actively avoid “bad” neighborhoods, and speed away if any homeless person wanders too close. “Our drivers shouldn’t feel guilty about their wealth, or if they run over a homeless trans person,” said Musk.
Another feature of the “anti-woke” Autopilot will be automatically taking control if a woman is driving. Tesla Engineer Carrie Welsch explained, “Our new driver’s seat with DongTrak+ genital sensors will determine the sex of the driver and take appropriate control of driving. Partial control for most women, or full self-driving if they’re determined to be of certain ethnic backgrounds.”
Musk added that the autopilot will be so colorblind it won’t even notice black pedestrians.
Critics complained that one new feature that would lock participants in the vehicle and set itself on fire if coordinates for a drag show were entered into the GPS was a “step too far.” Welsch said, “That just happens normally and isn’t a new feature of the system, but I like the way you are thinking.”
As of now, it remains to be seen whether Tesla’s decision to forego “woke” ideology in its autopilot will pay off. Only time will tell whether the lack of social consciousness in Tesla’s cars will lead to unintended consequences or not.
Tesla’s stock was down on the news.
Michael Briggs contributed to this story.