Yellen Reveals Silicon Valley Bank Back by Vault Full of GPUs

Yellen Reveals Silicon Valley Bank Back by Vault Full of GPUs

Santa Clara, CA – Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen announced that the Silicon Valley Bank, which recently failed and was closed by the FDIC, was being backed by a vault full of GPUs.

“The Silicon Valley Bank’s decision to store their assets in a vault full of graphics processing units was certainly unconventional,” Yellen said at a press conference. “But we didn’t think it would lead to the complete collapse of the bank. In fact, due to recent changes in oversight, we weren’t even aware they existed.”

The news has left many in the banking industry scratching their heads. “I mean, we all knew the bank was a little too tech-savvy for its own good,” said one banking analyst. “But this? It’s like they were trying to be cool for coolness’ sake.”

Former customers of the bank have expressed outrage at the news. “I had no idea my money was being stored in GPUs,” said one angry customer. “I mean, I knew the bank was a little different, but this is just ridiculous. At least the price of GPUs will drop even more now with the auction of all these assets.”

The Silicon Valley Bank’s former CEO, George Bankman, could not be reached for comment. However, sources close to him say he is “devastated” by the bank’s failure.

Despite the shock and disappointment surrounding the Silicon Valley Bank’s failure, Yellen says that the FDIC is working to ensure that customers will be reimbursed for their losses. “We’re doing everything we can to make this right,” she said. “But let this be a lesson to all banks out there: sometimes, it’s better to stick with traditional assets like gold and cash.”

In the end, the Silicon Valley Bank’s experiment with a GPU-backed vault proved to be a cautionary tale for banks everywhere. As the old saying goes, sometimes you have to stick with what works.

Michael Briggs contributed to this story.

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