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Monday, April 5 12:00 AM EST

Maxwell Smart Testifies Before Congress on Intelligence Lapses

By Bill L

Washington DC - CIA director Maxwell Smart testified before congress today on recent intelligence lapses within the agency. Director Smart's tenure as head of the agency has been marked with controversy. Among other lapses, Smart has insisted the Soviet Union was the most powerful nation on Earth the day before the Berlin Wall fell and that neither Pakistan nor India had nuclear programs just as they both detonated nuclear weapons. Below is a transcript of Smart's testimony.

Smart: Senator, Iraq has nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons and the capacity to attack the United States in 45 minutes.

Senator Clinton: Mister Smart, with almost a year spent searching for these weapons of mass destruction and discovering nothing, I find this hard to believe.

Smart: Would you believe weapons of mass destruction related program activity?

Senator Clinton: No.

Smart: Would you believe a junior chemistry set and a guy with a bad cough?

Senator Boxer: Director Smart! This is an intelligence failure of monumental proportions.

Smart: Well don't tell me that Iraq has no WMDs at all!

Senator Boxer: Director Smart, Iraq has no WMDs at all.

Smart: I asked you not to tell me that.

Senator Byrd: It appears that Iraqi scientists who were just reporting that they had WMDs to appease Saddam misled us.

Smart: Ah, the old pretend-we-have-WMD's-to-confuse-intelligence-and- appease-the-dictator trick.

Senator Chafee: Director Smart! Do you realize that you have led the nation into war and caused our nation to invade another sovereign state under false pretenses?

Smart: And loving it!

Senator Reid: How could you miss the possibility that Iraq had no WMDs when the matter of leading the country to war was at stake?

Smart: Missed it by that much.

Senator Nelson: But because of this war, we have lost all international credibility also hundreds of billions of dollars and thousands upon thousands of lives. What do you have to say for yourself?

Smart: Sorry about that chief.

Other intelligence failures Smart reported include:

  • The loss of surveillance capability resulting from a camera disguised as a potato chip being eaten by a security guard.
  • The lack of human intelligence related to agent 13's inability to extract himself from a rolltop desk in one of Saddam's palaces.
  • Difficulty interrogating prisoners due to consistent technical problems with the agency's "Cone of Silence."

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