Billionaire Harlan Crow Unveils ‘BribeClarenceThomasCoin’

Billionaire Harlan Crow Unveils ‘BribeClarenceThomasCoin’

Washington DC – In a move that has both baffled and amused financial and political observers alike, billionaire real estate magnate Harlan Crow announced the launch of a new cryptocurrency, dubbed the ‘BribeClarenceThomasCoin’ or BCTC for short. And it’s not at all what you’re thinking.

At a press conference held at his plush Dallas mansion, Crow, a longtime confidante of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, insisted that the name of his digital currency was purely coincidental and utterly ironic.

“No, no, no. You’re misunderstanding,” Crow said, waving his hands in a not-at-all-suspicious manner. “It’s named after my dear friend, Clarence Thomas, as a token of my appreciation for his great conservative ideals. And the ‘Bribe’ part is just a playful joke. I mean, who would even think of bribing a Supreme Court Justice with a cryptocurrency named after them? That’s preposterous!”

As part of the coin’s launch, Crow also revealed a rather curious feature of his new cryptocurrency. Early investors in the BCTC will not have an outsized influence on cases going in front of the Supreme Court, he claimed. However, Justice Thomas will be given a list of all the investors, just so he can thank them personally.

“BCTC investors will have absolutely no sway over any Supreme Court decisions,” Crow assured, an almost straight face belying the chuckles from the press. “But it’s important for Clarence to express his gratitude to his supporters, right? I mean, who wouldn’t want to receive a personal thank-you note from a Supreme Court Justice? It’s a collector’s item!”

Despite Crow’s assurances, financial and legal experts have expressed skepticism. “It’s like saying you’re opening a casino not to make money but to foster a sense of community among blackjack enthusiasts,” quipped Professor Emma Goldman, a cryptocurrency expert at MIT. “While the name and the nature of the coin might be a coincidence, it’s a rather inconvenient one at that.”

Justice Clarence Thomas remained silent, which, given his track record, is not entirely surprising. We can only guess whether his silence is due to amusement, bemusement, or simply because he’s busy drafting those ‘thank you’ notes.

James Schapiro contributed to this article.

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