San Francisco, CA – In an audacious move aimed at preserving server stability, Elon Musk’s Twitter has begun to impose yet another mind-boggling constraint: limiting the number of eye blinks users can perform while perusing the site. Following the recent crippling outages that rattled the social media giant, this new measure adds to an already absurd list of restrictions.
“Now, not only can you read a maximum of 6,000 or 600 posts depending on whether you are verified or not, but you are also only allowed to blink 6 or 0.6 times per tweet respectively,” said a Twitter spokesperson, evidently perplexed by the new policy themselves. “We believe that by managing blink rates, we can significantly cut down on server stress and bandwidth, somehow.”
Unsurprisingly, this new policy has resulted in widespread discontent, particularly among unverified users who now face the possibility of damaging their retinas due to “excessive tweet exposure.”
“My eyes are so dry, they’re cracking like the Mojave Desert,” complained one user. “This is like being forced to watch ‘The Emoji Movie’ non-stop, without the privilege of looking away or closing my eyes.”
In order to enforce this new regulation, Twitter plans to implement its new patent-pending ‘BlinkTrack™’ technology. “We’ve been working closely with SpaceX and Neuralink to use their eye-tracking technology,” the spokesperson elaborated. “Soon, we’ll be able to monitor and control each user’s blink rate accurately. Failure to comply with our blink limit will result in immediate account suspension.”
Critics have pointed out that this intrusive monitoring seems at odds with Twitter’s claim of prioritizing user privacy, to which the company responded, “We’re just trying to protect our servers. If you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear.”
As part of its ongoing efforts to reduce server load, Twitter is also reportedly considering other “innovative” limitations, such as restricting the number of “thoughts per tweet” and requiring a “mandatory 15-minute meditation break after every 50 tweets.”
As user frustration grows, it is clear that the former microblogging site is quickly becoming a macro-management nightmare. Whether Twitter can keep its user base from jumping ship in the face of these draconian restrictions remains to be seen.