Twitter Takes Unprecedented Steps Towards Community ‘Well-being’ by Imposing a Limit on Eye Blinks Per Tweet

Twitter Takes Unprecedented Steps Towards Community ‘Well-being’ by Imposing a Limit on Eye Blinks Per Tweet

San Francisco, CA – In an audacious move aimed at preserving server stability, Elon Musk’s Twitter has begun to impose yet another mind-boggling constraint: limiting the number of eye blinks users can perform while perusing the site. Following the recent crippling outages that rattled the social media giant, this new measure adds to an already absurd list of restrictions.

“Now, not only can you read a maximum of 6,000 or 600 posts depending on whether you are verified or not, but you are also only allowed to blink 6 or 0.6 times per tweet respectively,” said a Twitter spokesperson, evidently perplexed by the new policy themselves. “We believe that by managing blink rates, we can significantly cut down on server stress and bandwidth, somehow.”

Unsurprisingly, this new policy has resulted in widespread discontent, particularly among unverified users who now face the possibility of damaging their retinas due to “excessive tweet exposure.”

“My eyes are so dry, they’re cracking like the Mojave Desert,” complained one user. “This is like being forced to watch ‘The Emoji Movie’ non-stop, without the privilege of looking away or closing my eyes.”

In order to enforce this new regulation, Twitter plans to implement its new patent-pending ‘BlinkTrack™’ technology. “We’ve been working closely with SpaceX and Neuralink to use their eye-tracking technology,” the spokesperson elaborated. “Soon, we’ll be able to monitor and control each user’s blink rate accurately. Failure to comply with our blink limit will result in immediate account suspension.”

Critics have pointed out that this intrusive monitoring seems at odds with Twitter’s claim of prioritizing user privacy, to which the company responded, “We’re just trying to protect our servers. If you’ve got nothing to hide, you’ve got nothing to fear.”

As part of its ongoing efforts to reduce server load, Twitter is also reportedly considering other “innovative” limitations, such as restricting the number of “thoughts per tweet” and requiring a “mandatory 15-minute meditation break after every 50 tweets.”

As user frustration grows, it is clear that the former microblogging site is quickly becoming a macro-management nightmare. Whether Twitter can keep its user base from jumping ship in the face of these draconian restrictions remains to be seen.

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Dan

    I stopped reading Twitter a while back and now Reddit is being dumb. I checked in on Fark for old times’ sake and that got me thinking about BBSpot. I typed in the URL thinking I’d get some “domain for sale” page. Lo and behold, you’ve been back since January!

    Welcome back! Any thoughts of starting the BBBoard backup?

    1. Brian Briggs

      I probably won’t have a stand alone message board, because the time to moderate that is more than I can do at this point. Word press does have these comments though for discussion. If I get enough people replying on these, I can always create “Free Talk” posts or something like that.

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