Google to Discontinue Search, Internet Users Now Expected to Actually Know Things

Google to Discontinue Search, Internet Users Now Expected to Actually Know Things

Mountain View, CA – Google declared its intent to discontinue its iconic Search service. This landmark decision is in line with their long-standing tradition of discontinuing services just as users have come to depend on them, such as Google+, Stadia, and the much-loved Google Reader.

In a press release, Google said, “Google Search was a fun project, but we’ve learned all we can from it. It’s time for us to move on to greener pastures. New projects that’ll shake up the world in the same way we did with Google Glass and the self-lacing shoes.”

The announcement sparked an immediate outcry among Internet users worldwide, with some likening the decision to shutting off oxygen supply. “What’s next, discontinuing YouTube because people have watched enough videos?” quipped one disgruntled user on Threads.

But Google isn’t stopping at just discontinuing Search. Larry Page and Sergey Brin, founders of Google, held an impromptu press conference on Google Meet (which has, so far, escaped the Google guillotine) to further elaborate on their decision.

“In an effort to move towards a more innovative future, we’ve decided to discontinue Google Search,” said Brin, wearing a pair of the ill-fated Google Glasses. “We believe that our users are capable of finding things on their own. In fact, we’re developing a new service, Google Hunt, where users will need to decode cryptic clues to find the information they want. It’s a fun, interactive way to get lost in the World Wide Web.”

Larry Page chimed in, “Besides, who needs one massive search engine when you can have a multitude of smaller, specialized ones? We are going to replace Google Search with Google Food, Google Clothes, Google Jokes, Google This, and Google That. And we assure you, each of these will be discontinued in a timely fashion for your convenience.”

Despite the global panic, a handful of Bing and Yahoo executives were seen celebrating the news, claiming it was “about time we got some of the spotlight.”

In response to the news, the stock market saw a huge spike in shares for map and compass manufacturers as people braced for a future of ‘Google Hunt.’

Google has announced that the discontinuation will take effect in a month. Until then, users are encouraged to search to their heart’s content or, as one Google spokesperson said, “to Google ‘how to survive without Google.'”

Only time will tell if the future involves Googling or just plain old hunting.

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