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Friday, June 8 12:00 AM EDT

May 21 - June 21
Your new girlfriend is way cool with your pr0n collection, far more so than any other girlfriend you've had in the past two years. So don't be shocked when she sends you to buy some batteries later this week.

June 22 - July 22
The trolls at that infamous geek portal are mobilizing for a strike against the next Katz article. Stand together with your fellow Cancers and defend our resident gasbag!

July 23 - Aug 22
Your wedding plans get derailed this weekend when you find out that Wisconsin doesn't recognize marriages between programmers and Perl.

Aug 23 - Sept 22
You've got a nasty habit of using style sheets to prevent hyperlinks from appearing as underlined text. I find it really annoying. Knock it off.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your banner ad network reaches an all-time low, now requiring you to wear a sandwich board with their banners on it for at least 10 hours per week in order to get paid.

Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will cross paths several times this week with a green, smelly ogre. This horoscope brought to you by Dreamworks Studios who invite you to the smash hit of the summer, Shrek. Starring Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy check your local listings for show times.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
You realize that your IRC buddies just made up the 'Ubergeek Society' and that giving them root to your company's server was a bad idea and not part of the 'initiation'.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
Everything will be coming up roses for you this week. Seriously. I'm not just saying that. The week after next though. Well, let's not ruin this week for you.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
You unfortunately validate spamming this week by losing 10 inches in 2 hours, making $250,000 in one month, getting top placement in all the search engines and having an erection for the entire week.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
The dance hit "Who let the dogs out?" takes on a whole new meaning for you and your co-workers as your company is overrun by a pack of rabid Scottish terriers.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll fail to appreciate the usefulness of Google's cache when you try to eradicate all traces of your affair with Yanni from the web this week.

Apr 20 - May 20
You'd best set up your webcam in your office this week, hidden by the company manuals (nobody looks at them anyway). Your collection of Far Side calendar comics will be ripped from your cubicle wall, and you'll want to catch the perp.

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