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December 19 9:17 AM EDT

Could You Be a Compliance Officer?

By Brian Briggs

These guys have what it takes, do you?

Do you have what it takes to sit on the court ordered oversight committee for Microsoft? Could you report violations of the consent decree by the world's largest and most dynamic software company? If you answered yes to either of these questions then you aren't the type of person we're looking for. Fill out the application below to see if you have the skills needed for this daunting challenge.

Before completing the application you must agree to the terms of the
Microsoft Compliance Officer License Agreement or "COLA".

  1. Are you now or have you ever been employed by any of the following companies: Sun Microsystems, AOL Time Warner, Oracle, Justice Department under Clinton, Redhat or Real Networks?
    1. Yes
    2. No

  2. Last level of education completed
    1. MCSE
    2. some high school
    3. high school
    4. some college
    5. college degree

  3. Why do you want this position?
    1. To get a chance to meet wild man Steve Ballmer
    2. To make sure that the consent decree is complied with
    3. To be the person that topples the Microsoft empire

  4. Is there a dollar amount you could place on your integrity?
    1. Yes
    2. No, my integrity is priceless

  5. Are you a strict constructionist when it comes to the Consent Decree?
    1. Yes, the law is the law
    2. No, I am more likely to interpret based on what the founding father Bill Gates intended

  6. Have you ever owned, operated or heard of any non-Microsoft computer operating system?
    1. Yes
    2. No

  7. Monopoly is...
    1. a board game
    2. good for competition and innovation
    3. bad for consumers

  8. Bundling is...
    1. an innovative way to bring more value to the customer
    2. a really underhanded way to put competition out of business

  9. The browser is the operating system.
    1. True
    2. False

  10. Would you be willing to provide any embarrassing information about yourself, so that we could use it in any future character assassinations?
    1. Yes, I have rolls of film and video tapes you wouldn't believe
    2. No, I always check for cameras
    3. No, I'm as pure as the driven snow.


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