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Thursday  September 28  1:07 PM EDT

Larry Ellison Exercises Jerk Options

By Brian Briggs

Redwood City, CA - CEO of Oracle Larry Ellison today exercised 45 Jerk Options today.  Most people just assume that Ellison is just a jerk by nature, few know that the Jerk Options are part of Ellison's compensation package and he has close to 19,000,000 of them.

Ellison started the day by berating several employees for only working 16 hours a day, and telling them they were fired only to say "Just kidding" moments later.  "My heart stopped when he said I was fired," said Phil Kostakos, "cause I got a wife andJust Exercising His Option three kids to support. I was so relieved when I realized Larry was just using his Jerk Options."

Executive Assistant Louise Yang was another lucky recipient, "Larry asked who the picture of the fat kid was on my desk.  I told him it was my son and he just laughed and said, 'Figures,  you cow, MOOOOO!!' I was in tears for hours."

"He made me do 50 push-ups because my initials are MS", said software engineer Matt Stipe.  "What a jerk."

Normally Ellison only exercises between 10-20 Jerk Options a day, but after placing second to Bill Gates in the Forbes "Richest People in America" list Ellison couldn't help but share the wealth.

"Saying I was an ugly, unemployed, overweight virgin was true but pretty harsh," said former database architect Sam Hillson, "but wearing my 'You're #2' shirt was probably asking for it,"

Ellison said, "A lot of stress comes with being the CEO of Oracle. The Jerk Options are a simple way to relieve some of that stress.  Our employees understand that it's all just part of my compensation."  Ellison added that if he doesn't use them, he will lose them and he plans on using them all.

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