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Wednesday, April 11 12:01 AM EST

New NVIDIA Video Card
Enhances Flesh Tones

By Brian Briggs

Santa Clara, CA - NVIDIA announced today the release of their newest video card the Dermatrix 3000. The Dermatrix 3000 uses patented Fleshtonic(tm) technology which gives Internet surfers the first video card specifically designed to optimize flesh tones.

"While this card has a very specific target audience, we feel that this is a very large market segment of the video card purchasing populace," said NVIDIA marketing director Kyle Grissom. "We can't really say what specific Internet sites this card might be useful for, but we think some of our customers might be able to come to their own conclusions."

In 24 bit color mode the Dermatrix 3000 allocates 15.3 million colors to flesh tones, 1 million to hair tones, and the remaining 400,000 colors to eye pigmentation. "It's really amazing the hue gradations that we can get in the flesh tones," said NVIDIA engineer Jonathan Chang, "You wouldn't think the human eye could pick up such amazingly subtle differences, but it really makes a difference in the surfer's experience. If you know what I mean!"

Chang continued, "It really doesn't matter if the image is created to utilize the Fleshtonic technology or not. The Dermatrix 3000's interpolative algorithms fill in all the right spots. Oh yeah baby, all the right spots."

"Oh my god this is incredible," said a panting Todd Rentwerp, "look at those $%&* they've never looked so real. My one complaint is that the walls look a little funky, but who ever looks there."

The stocks of both NVIDIA and Kimberly-Clark were up on the news.

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