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Thursday, December 20 12:01 AM EST

Gates Announces Security Death Squads

By Wil Wheaton

Redmond, WA- Amid revelations that Windows XP is filled with security holes, making it easy for virtually any 15 year old to seize control of a machine running the recently released operating system, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates today maintained that Windows XP is, indeed, the "most secure operating system, ever."

Framed by the mighty trees and dwarfed by a large Windows XP flag, rippling in the Redmond breeze, Gates this morning defended Microsoft's claims.

"Windows XP is still the leader in security, for both home, and business users," Gates began. "We at Microsoft believe firmly in the importance of computer security, and we recognize that the number one threat to security are not the individuals who attack insecure systems, but, rather, the individuals who publicize security holes in the first place. If people would just learn to remain quiet, these evil hackers wouldn't know of any insecurities, and your computer would be safe."

"Contrary to popular belief, we here at Microsoft take security very seriously," Gates said, his voice growing grave. "We envision a day when all systems are secure, and issuing security patches and updates is a distant memory, like the Amiga. In pursuit of that goal, I am announcing today, that Microsoft will be dispatching 'security squads', who will travel the world, seeking out the evildoers who would disclose vulnerabilities in operating systems, and disposing of them with eXtreme Prejudice."

Gates then turned the microphone over to Microsoft's new Chief of Security, Gunther Goebels.

"Let this be a warning to everyone within the sound of my voice: if you attempt to discover and disclose security holes within any Microsoft operating system, you will be dealt with, accordingly. We will stop at nothing to ensure that XP users continue to enjoy a safe, secure and private computing experience."

Goebels then revealed the first Blue Squad Of Death, or BSOD. As the blue-jacketed men marched across the lawn, Goebels announced, "Make no mistake. You are either with Microsoft, or you are with the hackers."

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