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Thursday, January 17 12:01 AM EST

Virus Responsible For
Gates Security Memo

By Brian Briggs

Redmond, WA - An embarrassed Bill Gates admitted today that a memo outlining Microsoft's new focus on security called Trustworthy Computing was sent out in error when an idealistic intern sent him the fanciful, pie in the sky report in a virus infected e-mail.


"I forgot to patch my Outlook Express and it went out to my entire address book," said Gates. "You would think that if anything were to get us to focus on security in our software that it would be a gaffe like this. To ensure security in all our software, however, would mean dropping half of our product lines and I have a fiscal responsibility to shareholders."

Gates added, "Don't we run drug tests on interns?"

The memo was apparently drafted by college intern Glenn Hardcastle in case Microsoft ever did decide to make security a priority. "They told me it was busy work. That it would never happen," said Glen, "When I saw it on the net the next day I didn't even bother going into work. I knew my ass was grass for the big Gates-mower."

Many consumers were also relieved to hear that Microsoft's priorities had not changed. "I was a little worried when I heard that security would be a priority over new features. I was really excited when I heard that in the next version of Windows I'll be able to transfer money between my bank accounts with a simple click from any computer connected to the Internet. I thought for sure that feature would be scrapped in favor of 'security'," said Jack Yager.

"I checked my calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st when the e-mail dropped into my inbox," said AP tech reporter Donna Whitlock. "I mean come on, Microsoft and trustworthy go together about as well as Exxon and sea otters. I'm glad to see it was all a big mistake."

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