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Type: Allimus Righticus - Caller
believes in the phrase "The Customer is Always Right" even
if they are wrong. They think it's an irrefutable law of nature and
not a business practice. This is the guy that wants twenty workstations
shipped to Antarctica overnight. This is the guy that demands our
software be backwards compatible for his Tandy Model IV. The guy that
wants a credit for the last year of billing cause our fonts were too
small on his 14" monitor. If you see this guy on the street,
feel free to go Tanya Harding on his ass and tell him Nolan sent you. |
Hit Points
10
Attack
Righteous Indignation
Intelligence
Highly Doubtful
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Type: System Sidestepper - The caller's
mantra is "Let me talk to your supervisor!". The tactic
is to talk to someone so far out of your department that the supervisor
of your boss's manager no longer has a clue about what they're talking
about. At that point, the supervisor will agree to anything. How do
you think they got to be a supervisor? The danger here is that the
Sidestepper may evolve into the Fireyou. Try to avoid this.
My tactic is to change my voice as many times as necessary and say,
"This is the supervisor. How may I placate you?" |
Hit Points
3d6+2
Attack
End Around
Intelligence
Highly Doubtful
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Type: Fireyou - Once scorned, the
Fireyou will do whatever it takes to get you fired. Generally
it will pacify them to be *told* you have been fired, but some of
them will call back several times a day just to verify that you have,
in fact, been canned. You can always change your name, but I've found
the legal system only lets you do that six times a year. In order
to deal with this caller, you must make yourself more valuable to
the company than the caller. A quick way to do this is to copy your
boss's Temporary Internet Files folder and blackmail him/her with
it. |
Hit Points
8
Attack
Flame Thrower
Intelligence
Highly Doubtful
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Type: Babelfish - The Babelfish
cannot be clearly understood. This may be due to a language barrier,
accent, lisp, cleft lip, or the fact that the caller eats lunch on
the phone. It is almost guaranteed that either you or the caller will
be forced to say "What did you say?" at least six times
every 8 seconds. Asking them to not chew into the phone would be rude.
Feel free to ask. If you don't make any headway, cheerfully say "Okay.
That should do it!" and hang up. Annoyance factor will only increase
if Babelfish evolves into Helloer. |
Hit Points
3d4
Attack
Cone of Confusion
Intelligence
Might be high, who can tell?
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Type: Helloer - This caller will
fall into a dead silence for long periods at a time. Typically immediately
after you have asked them a question. After several minutes of uncomfortable
quiet, they will suddenly say "Hello?" very loudly, either
to make sure you are still there, or to reassure themselves that they
are. Be careful not to respond with your own "Hello?" as
this may go on for hours or even months. If you are feeling particularly
helpful, stay quiet until they hang up on you. This will give you
more time to work on your web page. |
Hit Points
4
Attack
Scepter of Silence
Intelligence
Left at home
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Type: Igotitz - After 45 minutes
on the phone, evolving and devolving several times, the Igotitz
will grow frustrated or will have surrendered to your patronizing
tone. They will clearly tell you "Okay. I got it." and end
the call whether or not they truly have gotten "it". In
most cases, they haven't. In most cases, they never will. |
Hit Points
2d6
Attack
Frustration Ray
Intelligence
Highly Doubtful
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Type: Prevaricator Pathologicus -
A very dangerous species of idiot, the Prevaricator lies -
about everything. He'll tell you he's using Windows NT when he's on
Unix. He'll tell you he's already tried that three times when he has
no plans of trying at all. He'll tell you someone else usually does
this and he's filling in. When you finally are able to get a straight
answer out of this guy and can fix his problem, he'll tell you it
didn't work, but he was able to fix it in the meantime. All you can
do is hang up and hope the Prevaricator falls into an open
volcano. |
Hit Points
N/A
Attack
Cone of Deception
Intelligence
Very High
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Type: I.T.Departmentus - This caller
is the master, but only the master of evil, Darth. For years after
this call (or maybe just seconds) you'll ask yourself how this caller
got a job in the Information Technology Department of a Fortune 500
company making sixty three times more than you make, when he can't
even tell you what operating system he's using. This caller is especially
dangerous because he's more likely to mess things up worse since "He
Knows What He's Doing". If your phone has a button marked "Electrocute
Caller", NOW is the time to use it. |
Hit Points
Salary+100
Attack
Wand of Unwarranted Superiority
Intelligence
Overrated
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Type: Digitalis Illiterati - This
species of idiot is not indigenous to tech support and still roams
free on the plains of corporate America. This caller is more likely
to mispronounce their own name than any other species of idiot. This
caller will paraphrase error messages because they are unable or unwilling
to read it from the screen. The paraphrase will have nothing remotely
to do with the real problem. For example "Error 680: No dial
tone" will translate to "I can't get open my Netscape"
no matter how many times you ask them to read you the *exact* error
message. You know how when you go to a restaurant and ask for the
check, but the waiter just keeps bringing you more coffee? This is
that guy after a promotion. |
Hit Points
4d8+10
Attack
Stupid Bombs
Intelligence
Puh-lease
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