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Tuesday, March 5 12:01 AM EST

Nolan Curtis - Bitter Tech Support Advisor

By Nolan Curtis

Dear Nolan,
I have a Vivitron 17" computer, and want to stop people from taking over my computer. I am thinking about taking out the internal modem and using an external one instead, and upgrading my video card to a DVD drive. Is there anything else I can do to make sure my computer cannot be hacked?
-Leonard Crevasse, Boston MA

The key to defeating haxors is to set up a good firewall. A lot of people will tell you that a software firewall is plenty for the average computer user, but we both know that software is plastic, and plastic burns. Who wants a firewall that a haxor can burn? What you need for absolute security is a hardware firewall. I like to use flame retardant brick, but cinder block also works well. Make sure you don't skimp on the mortar. Surround the computer with a 4 foot "cubicle". Before sealing the top, hop inside your new haxor-proof cubicle. It's meant to keep haxors out, not you! Now complete the top and allow the mortar to set. Voila! The world is already safer!

Whenever I try to dial with my modem, I get the message "Another program is using the selected telepathy device. Please try again when the program has completed dialing." Is my computer trying to control my mind?
-Carrie, Newark NJ

These are NOT the droids you're looking for. Move along.

Dear Tech Guy,
I just got my new computer from Sam's Mart and am trying to upgrade the "chip" from a 64 Meg to a 40 Jig, but when I open the case, there's not even enough room for me to double the RAM. All these peripherals are welded together. I also may need to overclock this sucker cause it's 5 minutes slow.
-Lief Hacksor, Ann Arbor MI

Only a expert should attempt to overclock his machine due to the fragile nature of the time-space continuum. One wrong mutiplier could cause total protonic reversal and the end of life as we know it. Let's just work with what we have. I'm assuming you already have the 40 Jig chip, (we're backordered on them) using an arc welder, carefully flat-handle the jig to the side of the Cat5 resistor. You may need to cut a hole in the side of the case just large enough for one of your legs. This will be important later. Using no more than 3 pounds of torque, twist the welded peripherals up and to the left. Lastly, Load up AOL and you should soon be "Surfing the Web" at speeds of up to 1.21 Jiggawatts. If not, return it to Sam's Mart for a refund.

Dear Nolan
After installing Jaguar 3.5 with Sybase 12.5 I cannot get more than 255 characters in the description field out of my table Event even though the information is definitely written to the database. I've tried a number of solutions and none have worked as yet.
-Jim, United Kingdom

You seem to know what you're talking about and it's been so long since that has happened it has upset my inner ear. I'm too unbalanced to type a reply. Anyhow Mr. Britain, I'm still pissed about the Red Coats thing I learned on Schoolhouse Rock, so even if I was able to solve your problem I wouldn't. Email the Queen.

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