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Thursday, March 14 12:01 AM EST

Nolan Curtis' Ultimate Tech Support Cubicle

By Nolan Curtis

High stress and low comfort levels are one of the main reasons for the sometimes snide attitudes of support technicians. Affording a technician maximum comfort not only decreases employee turnover, but increases the customer's experience. Here we have an example of creature comforts courtesy of Nolan Curtis.

1. Charcoal filtered seat to eliminate offensive office smells. Comes in handy after cafeteria meals.

2. Magic Fingers imitation pleather executive chair with adjustable lumbar and ABEC 5 casters (capable of hall speeds up to 30mph).

3. Plasma Screen for best DVD resolution.

4. Two (2) Intel Dual Pentium 1.6 GHz, GeForce4, Audigy 5.1 sound. One for writing tickets, one for capturing the flag. Panic KVM button allows smooth transition between each.

5. Hands-Free view phone with optional "Electrocute Caller" feature, and print feature for cute callers.

6. Beer Fridge (Miller Products-upper shelf, imports-bottom shelf).

7. Trapdoor to Rancor Pit for nosy coworkers. (Not a real Rancor, so do NOT email me, PETA!)

8. Star Wars Figure Collection for those 15 seconds of free time.

9. Intravenous Mountain Dew.

10. Faux cityscape window to dampen depression and suicidal tendencies. The fact that it's a poster also keeps me from attempting to jump out (But I have tunneled under).

11. Locked cabinet with emergency cache of vodka, cyanide pills, DVDs and extra ammo (Note to self: Restock Vodka).

12. DirecTV for Tech TV and Cinemax.

13. 12 Gauge boom stick.

14. Industrial Strength Shredder (may snag on larger bones and Italian leather shoes)

15. Direct chute to incinerator.

16. BossAlert laser tripwire (Overcharge mode for disabling quicker managers). Laser tripwire sounds in headset, just in case I'm sleeping at the time.


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