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Monday, March 11 12:01 AM EST

Overclocked Jesus Performs
Miracles Faster

By Brian Briggs

Chicago, IL - A group of bored students in Chicago overclocked Jesus so that he now performs miracles nearly twice as fast as before. Goran Radovich and Trey Gafney managed to overclock Jesus and keep him stable at a record 3.69 GHz.

"We were just sitting around the other day and Goran says 'Hey, don't you have a spare Jesus around here? Let's see if we can overclock him'," said Gafney, "So we got out the Jesus and cranked up the clock. He started sweating pretty profusely at about 2.5 GHz so we went out and got the hose and started spraying him down."

The boys then fitted Jesus with some spare heatsinks they had and tried for the Jesus overclocking record. "When we got him up to about 3.75 GHz that was when we started having some problems like that hole in Tommy's abdomen and the sudden change of seasons," said Radovich. "After that we clocked him down and he was stable most of the time at 3.69 GHz."

OC Jesus"We had all the bread and fish and wine that we ever needed," continued Radovich, "and we both had straight A's so we took him down to the hospital to do some more miracles there. We turned him on and his arms were flying around and deaf people could hear, the crippled could walk. Of course, a couple of times he got going too fast and a couple of blind guys got an extra eye."

Donna Samson was one of the cured, "Jesus came walking down the hall and he looked like he had drank about 10 cups of coffee. He laid his hands on me and said my cancer was cured. It was and as a bonus I got this extra leg too!"

The young men explained that they expect to get Jesus saving people even faster when they figure out how to safely immerse him in liquid nitrogen. Gafney and Radovich broke the previous record of 3.43 GHz set by a group in Norway last month.

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