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Tuesday, May 28 12:01 AM EST

Microsoft Nearing Completion of Death Star

By Avi Muchnick

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced that it will complete construction of its newest Death Star by mid October, in a press conference given Wednesday.

With all of humanity likely to crumple beneath the iron grip of Microsoft come October, widespread panic has ensued. More than 30 rebellion uprisings have taken place only to meet with failure at the hands of Microsoft's superior fleet.

"This is necessary for Earth's survival," said Bill Gates, chair and founder of Microsoft, speaking from his luxury box above the slave arena.

The death star, the most powerful weapon in the universe, will give Microsoft unbridled power in the realm of world domination.

Gates said he plans on using the death star to destroy the moon, and cease all tidal activity on Earth in an awesome display of the power Microsoft Windows XP SP1.

"Darkness will reign eternal," said Gates. "Society will once again know the power of the left hand of Microsoft and will tremble at the right."

Society is not pleased.

"This is the second time Microsoft has been up to no good," said Deena Williams, 17 of Massapequa, NY. "Do they think we've forgotten about their 'giant ray gun of peace and justice?'

Chicago resident James Fargo, 62, says that he suspects that the death star may not be all that Gates promises.

"I suspected something was wrong with those new rules about giving up your first born son," said Fargo.

"Something tells me that a giant weapon larger than Earth hovering above San Francisco can't be as good as they say it will be."

Microsoft insists it is. The death star will provide for the quick and economical usurpation of all world power, according to Steve Ballmer, CEO.

"I don't see how that could be even remotely bad for us," said Balmer.

Microsoft shares were up on the news.

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