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Monday, June 24 12:01 AM EST

Terror Alert: Man Captured with Necessary Components to Make Nuclear Bomb

By Kyle Bresin

Washington DC - Attorney General John Ashcroft on Monday announced the arrest of a man suspected of planning to build and detonate a nuclear fusion bomb in the United States.

"We have captured a terrorist who had the necessary material to build a bomb of capable of massive *nuclear* radioactive destruction."

The suspect was found to be carrying 1 to 2 kilograms of 'matter'. A concentrated form of energy which, in accordance with the laws of relativity, can be converted into raw destructive force.

"All anyone would need to build such a plan, would be a working knowledge of the equation 'E equals MC squared', and than something or other about the speed of light"

He added "Light! Light is everywhere! It's inevitable people!"

While details of the arrest are still sketchy, a local police report suggests the suspect was called in from a local food establishment, after an Arab man was seen 'suspiciously' attempting to 'Super Size' the amount of matter he was to be given.

"Currently, we believe his plan involved converting his contraband matter into the bomb, but there is increasing evidence that he was attempting to increase his own matter, in order to use himself as a 90 kg nuclear suicide bomber of tremendous destruction."

President Bush, during his weekly radio address, issued a strong, and phonetically spelled, course of action.

"Such threatening acts against America will not be tolerated. We will strike surely against all such organizations that would peddle matter to unsuspecting patriotic citizens."

"Such organizations as: McDonalds, a well-known network of matter providers, active in nearly every country on the globe."

"Burger King, with it's fiercely anti-cow, anti-India stance, has positioned itself as an obvious ally of Pakistan, a well known Al Qaeda

"And, the worst offender, with an undeniable history of creating and proliferating chemical and biological weapons of all kinds, Taco Bell."

"We must stop these villains before they destroy our way of life. Especially if this can be achieved during the next congressional race!"

"Ummm.. Kaboom!", added Bush.

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