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Tuesday, July 29 12:01 AM EST

Valenti and Rosen Press Conference Transcript

By Kyle Bresin

Washington DC - Jack Valenti of the Motion Picture Association of America, alongside Hilary Rosen of the Recording Industry of America held a joint press conference this morning to announce their new plan of action in the ongoing battle against digital piracy. The following is a transcript of that conference:

Valenti: I'm glad you could all be with us today to witness the unveiling of the ultimate weapon to curb digital piracy.
Rosen: Yes, it brings me great pleasure to introduce you to the "Shock-tron-Omega-3"... <snicker>... <pause>
V: Umm yes, thank you Hilary. As she was saying, the "Shock-tron-Omega-3" will enable us to...
R:<stifling laughter> I'm sorry Jack, I just can't go on... We had better tell them...
Both: <burst out laughing>
V: You should have seen the look on your faces, people!
R: <mockingly> "Oh no, we're going to have to wear that gigantic helmet whenever we wanna listen to CDs". You people are gullible.
Vi: Really, how far were you going to let us go? Seriously?
Both: <laughing>
V: You're all sheep, people! Sheeple!
R: Baaaaaa
V: You know, when we originally came up with this act, I didn't think it'd last a week... "Someone's sure to recognize this as pure farce *right* away", I said.
R: Two weeks, tops.
V: But apparently people don't care. Nothing we did ever triggered more than a token amount of resistance.
R: I could murder your mother with a pickax on CSPAN and you people would still rush out to buy the latest "hit" CDs.
V: Or platinum special editions! Man you guys crack me up!
R: Well, I guess that's it, thanks for coming to our press conference! If you're interested in buying a transcript of the conference, we're selling them at the door, on 2 cent pieces of plastic for 20 dollars a piece!
V: Jackasses.
Both: <Exchange high fives>

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