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Friday, August 2 12:00 AM EDT

July 23 - Aug 22
Being pro-Linux and anti-MicroSoft is fine, but there may be a better time and place to wear your "I'd rather die than deal with MS" t-shirt than at a support group for people with multiple sclerosis.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
Even if he convinces you that AOL has two L's, you still shouldn't give your credit card number to the_AOLL_repp on ICQ.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
Three more weeks until you go back to school and you've only seen Spider-Man 2,016 times. Time to load up on the caffeine and stay for the midnight showings at the dollar theater too.

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend that you don't let Mountain Dew sit in your mouth for more than two seconds.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll be disappointed to learn that the geeks parked out in front of your house aren't there to pay homage to your leet hacking skills. They're just leeching your high speed access from your unsecured wireless network.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
We're not telling you anything this week, because you've been reading the horoscopes in the newspaper, you two-timing bastard.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your parents will uncover your accounting fraud when they finally ask to see an actual tuition bill before they pay it. You should be able to buy a few more cases of beer with the returnables before the cash runs out.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars have finally determined it. Your Powerpuff Girls mug IS the laughing stock of your office.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
The sky's not falling, but you might want to stay indoors this week anyway.

Apr 20 - May 20
You've been enjoying your hours upon hours dedicated to your new favorite RPG game at the expense of a social life. Then it occurs to you that perhaps "NWN" could stand for "No Women, Never." Time to get some fresh air.

May 21 - June 21
It might be a difficult ad campaign, but you've got to come up with something better than "Wake up and smell the polygons."

June 22 - July 22
You got fired for watching the Osbournes too much. Your boss does not appreciate being called a <bleep>-<bleep>, <bleep> mother-<bleep>ing son of a <bleep>.

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