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Wednesday, September 11 12:01 AM EST

Microsoft/Intel Outline Future of Computing: Can't Do Shit

By Brian Briggs

Redmond, WA - At a technology conference for developers, representatives from Microsoft and Intel outlined the Can't Do Shit (CDS) Road Map for future cooperative products between the two companies. They predict that in 6 years it will be impossible to violate a copyright with a computer, or to do anything at all for that matter.

"We're very confident that with the release of our Palladium platform and Intel's LaGrande none of consumers' previous digital media will work. No MP3s, no movie files, nothing," said Josiah Witman, Microsoft's head of the Palladium initiative. "The following year we plan to release a new version of Office that will be unable to function with any files created by previous versions. Thus furthering the CDs initiative greatly."

He also stated that the version of Windows slated for release in 2007 code named Shredder would destroy all files upon installation. "We must be sure consumers do not have any illegal digital content on their systems," emphasized Witman.

Intel foresees a similar path. "Our LaGrande processor will make sure that any digital media is completely inaccessible without paying a fee. The next generation of processors will perform at double the speed but will be incapable outputting any video signals. If consumers can bypass Microsoft's content protection system we have to make sure they can't utilize it in any way," said Harold Gresler of Intel.

Developers agreed that the future of computing is not being able to do shit. "I can't wait to start developing for the CDs platform. You give the customer control of the computer and they just screw things up," said Tom Robbins of Plusex Designs. "It's better to make sure they can't do shit. Then you've got a stability."

Many militant computer users have begun stocking up on computer hardware and digital media and plan on never upgrading again, "If that's the path computing is taking then I'm staying here in 2002."

To discourage hoarding Microsoft and Intel plan a joint lobbying effort on legislation that would mandate upgrades to the new computer system by all citizens. "We can't have fringe computer groups stockpiling useful hardware and software," said Gresler. "We envision CompSquads destroying antiquated equipment so Americans can enjoy only the most cutting edge technology."

Many consumers agreed, "I think Microsoft and Intel are moving very quickly with this new plan, because I'm already at the point where I can't do shit with their products."

Representatives from Real endorsed the development road map and said that they would do their best to make sure that their next media player, RealTwo, would be unable to do shit. "We plan to have RealTwo take file associations for everything. When you click on a .doc file RealTwo will try to open it. It will completely paralyze novices, and cause experts to destroy their computers in fits of rage."

Music and movie executive applauded the plan. RIAA president Hilary Rosen stated that "when consumers can't do shit with their computers then we'll be able to unveil our new digital music plan."

Microsoft has denied allegations that future versions of Windows will use the codebase from Windows for Workgroups 3.11.

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