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Tuesday,  December 17 12:01 AM EDT

Make Some Coffee You Lazy Bastard!

By Nolan Curtis

I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of people in this world (this world being my office complex, and I suspect your office complex as well). There are those people who will make a pot of coffee, and then there's the rest of you lazy bastards.

I usually drink three cups of coffee a day. The urns we have here at work hold about six 10-ounce cups of coffee. There are three urns, one for regular and two for decaffeinated, which would probably be great if anyone drank it (besides the neurotic chick in billing. The one with the pseudo-beard). The thing is, every time I go to pour myself a cup of coffee, the two decaf pots are full, and the normal coffee pot has just enough coffee left in it to keep it from being a fire hazard.

Now, some of you are under the impression that I'm a bitter, unhappy person, with few social skills, and a traumatic history of childhood beatings. If you make that assumption you'd be right on the money, circle takes a square. However, I don't feel that it's below me to brew a pot of coffee. So I'll rummage through the kitchenette (it's more of a mini-kitchenette. A kitchenito for our Spanish-speaking readers) and spend the time it takes to brew a fresh pot.

It takes about 3 minutes for a full pot to brew, and this is where things get weird. You see, I am the only person I've ever seen at the coffee station aside from the bearded lady. However, when I return to pour myself a cup of coffee, the damned pot is damp with coffee residue but otherwise empty. So let me entertain a few theories here. Theory one: the bearded lady is taking out her anti-caffeine aggressions on the coffee and pouring the full pot into the nearby planter. Theory two: there's a wormhole above the pot but below the spout of the coffee machine that whisks the coffee away to some alternate dimension before it reaches the pot (like in episode 6 of season 3 of Babylon 5). Theory three: (Now stick with me on this one. It's a little crazy) the people I work with are so lazy that they can't be bothered to spend 58 seconds of their own life to brew a fresh pot. They'd rather wait till someone else does it and then pounce on it the moment the brewer is out of sight.

If I knew anything about the laws of thermo-dynamics (which I don't), I'd bet it actually takes more energy to *drink* a cup of coffee than it does to brew a pot of coffee. I truly believe that even dead people aren't as lazy as the people I work with (look at Strom Thurmond. The guys been dead for fifteen years and I'll bet he still makes his own coffee). I'm vexed by the fact that I have yet to catch anyone in the act of emptying the coffee pot. Not that I'd actually *say* anything to them, but I could silently curse their name from the safety of my cubicle.

So here's my plan. For the people reading this article that are the involuntary coffee makers among us, next time you brew coffee, use four or five bags of coffee grounds. See how many will fit in the filter before spilling over the side. The pot that you brew should be strong enough to take the paint off a Buick. People that make the mistake of drinking it should have to scrape the coffee off their tongues with a paperclip. Women should pass out, men should wail, and babies should cry when they drink your coffee (if you have coffee-drinking babies that work in your office). The coffee should be so foul that no one will ever trust anyone else to brew their coffee for the rest of their lives.

Consider it your homework for the week. Oh, keep in mind BBspot is a satire site and isn't responsible in the event of any caffeine-related deaths in your office.

See you at the kitchenito.

How to make coffee PDF for posting at the coffee station. Courtesy of jakevil.

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