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Friday, January 31 12:00 AM EDT

Jan 20 - Feb 18
You thought your cubicle was small, wait until they move you into the drawer of a horizontal filing cabinet... with three other people.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
If all the raindrops were candy bars and gum drops, our sewer systems would clog and we'd have one hell of a mess on our hands.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
This horoscope has been copyrighted and encrypted. Any attempt to read this horoscope will be considered a violation of the DMCA. Agents are on their way.

Apr 20 - May 20
A good saying to remember when overclocking your computer is: "If the CPU is on fire, don't set the MHz higher."

May 21 - June 21
To answer your question about the recurring dream you're having about your sister; yeah it's sick AND wrong.

June 22 - July 22
Now that the NFL season is over you'll finally have some productive time on Sundays. How about mastering Madden 2003 on your PlayStation 2?

July 23 - Aug 22
You will learn that the difference between uranium and butter is mutant linguini.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
You may be the only one who knows how to fix the fax machine, but that doesn't mean you can eat all the donuts.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
This week you will be blessed with happiness, money, and a whole day in the bathroom caused by excess jalapeño consumption.

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Dude, you're getting a horoscope! [This horoscope paid for by Dell]

Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're surprised that the President didn't mention your proposal for mandatory gaming centers in every high school during his State of the Union address. You'd think he'd want to develop accurate shooters at a time like this.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will need quick thinking to explain to your son that Fucking is a really big company in Japan. They make Fucking Computers, Fucking Fax Machines and all sorts of other wonderful electronic equipment. And they really pissed off your mom so don't mention it to her.

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