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Thursday,  February 20 12:01 AM EDT

Man Hopes Episode III
Doesn't Ruin His Childhood

By Brian Briggs

Phoenix, AZ - Lance Hymer, 31, like many of Generation X, is eagerly awaiting the final chapter of the Star Wars saga, and like the rest he's worried that Episode III may ruin his childhood.

"I have a lot invested in the Star Wars movies, and I don't mean financially like my friend Ted. I mean in here," Hymer said pointing to his heart. "When I saw Star Wars for the first time I was like 'wow.' When Empire came out I was like 'double wow.' Those were the greatest times of my life, and now that's all in jeopardy."

Episode I and Episode II filled Hymer with dread. He could feel his idyllic memories slipping away. "I'm worried that through some plot twist Episode III could entirely alter how I feel about the original trilogy. What if the Jedi turn out to the bad guys? What if there really is no 'force?' It could alter my reality in an awful way."

Hymer isn't the only one concerned. His neighbor, Hans Oloman, isn't worried about his childhood, but about his "golden years." Oloman has over $300,000 in Star Wars memorabilia stored in his basement, and plans to sell the merchandise to finance his retirement. "A really bad Episode III could mean all my years at yard sales and on eBay could've been in vain. I might be living in this giant AT-AT on the street instead of the Shady Acres Golden Village. Do you want that on your conscience Mr. Lucas?"

Demographers fear another "lost generation" if Episode III stinks. "Generation X is perched on the edge of the Sarlacc's pit and something as ruinous as a Star Wars failure could push them right in," said Dana Phillipe from the Make It Good Foundation.

No one is certain what George Lucas might put in the final film. Rumors of a Jar Jar/ewok love scene and a musical scene involving Emperor Palpatine have fans of every generation on edge.

Gloria Wilkens from Lucasfilms said, "Mr. Lucas realizes how important the films are to millions of fans around the globe and appreciates their concerns. That is why he's taken even more control of Episode III than any of the other films."

"Nooooooooooooooo..." sobbed Hymer.

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