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Friday, March 14 12:00 AM EDT

Feb 19 - Mar 20
Unless the plumber normally dresses in chains and latex, it would be naive to think your wife is being completely faithful.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your childish snickering is inappropriate. It's not sexual innuendo, Mickey Mantle really WAS a switch-hitter.

Apr 20 - May 20
You want to make sure your memory is securely placed in your motherboard. Hand soldering each pin in place might be a bit of overkill.

May 21 - June 21
"This light saber is just a prop" and "Find a tourniquet, stat!" are two phrases you don't want to hear together this week.

June 22 - July 22
Feigning color blindness might not give you free reign to pinch every butt on St. Patrick's Day, but it might be worth a try.

July 23 - Aug 22
Your promise to get more exercise was not fulfilled by the Virtual March, despite the fact you were logged in for three hours.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll finally find the source of your spontaneous reboots this week. Apparently, some wise guy wired your right mouse button to the reset switch.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
That's not "spring" in the air. That's asbestos. Please clear the building.

Oct 24 - Nov 21
A wise Irishman once said, "Drinking your weight in green beer is really not a good idear."

Nov 22 - Dec 21
The current craze of reality shows gets your hopes up for finding a mate, but it's doubtful that "Marry and Deflower the Forty-Year Old Virgin" will be on the prime time schedule next year.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
Though fashion tends to repeat itself, there's little hope for your collection of Mötley Crüe T-shirts making a comeback.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
Avoid your 10 year high school reunion. While you may drive a Lexus and work for Sun Microsystems, you're still a complete dork.

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