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Friday, March 28 12:00 AM EDT

Mar 21 - Apr 19
Despite your TV sitcom writing aspirations, and despite increased American interest in the Arab world, the networks are not likely to pick up your offerings of "Malcom in the Middle East" or "Welcome Back, Qatar."

Apr 20 - May 20
You'll be surprised when the Beastie Boys reverse their anti-war sentiments and release a No Sleep 'til Baghdad single.

May 21 - June 21
For all the bad things you've accused George Bush of doing at least he hasn't started a war [ed. note: Sometimes the stars don't watch the news for a while]

June 22 - July 22
Despite your skills at Battlefield 1942, CNN still won't offer you a position as war analyst.

July 23 - Aug 22
You'll discover a new definition for pain when you ask your buddies down at the VFW what kind of odds the Iraqis are getting, then betting on them to win.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
You feel a bit guilty about fooling everyone into believing your story about Jar-Jaromir appearing in The Return of the King. Oh, wait a minute, sorry, that was just gas.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll be saddened to discover that upgrading your processor and memory was a waste of money. It won't make CNN update their war coverage any faster.

Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll discover that while being addicted to the Internet has its advantages, the ability to stay employed is not one of them.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
Being able to hold opposing viewpoints about the war makes you appreciate a free and democratic society. Holding an opposing viewpoint about the war with your spouse makes you appreciate where the dog sleeps.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've found a solution to the increasing amounts of spam you've been getting, It requires 1000 pounds of anthrax and precision timing, unfortunately you just lost your watch.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
Good news! The doctors found a cure, so you'll never have to eat through your nose again.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
Cannot find "horoscopes.txt". (A)bort, (R)etry, (F)ail?

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