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Wednesday, March 26 12:01 AM EDT

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.


Not as many believers this week. I think they're on to us...

From: Justin []
Sent: Wednesday, March 19, 2003 1:46 AM
Subject: What is with Jar Jaromir?

I doubt this is your first email on this, but what is the deal with Jar Jaromir? I've gone to the main site and others to check on this and they've confirmed no such rumor.

Is this just some joke or what?



You're right Justin, it's not my first e-mail on this. You are such the detective actually checking the official site.

Here's another one...

From: Dan []
Sent: Wednesday, March 19, 2003 9:18 PM
Subject: Project Outlook

Brian -

Could you provide some other links and references to the article you wrote at titled Government Tracks Outlook Users in Massive Database.


The government is hot on my trail Dan. I can't give out any information at this time or it will reveal my position.

Silly Canadians

Making fun of Americans is as Canadian as Celine Dion...

From: George []
Sent: Saturday, March 15, 2003 10:39 AM
Subject: Americans not acting like Americans


The story about Americans not acting like Americans while abroad is really nothing new. For years, traveling Canadians have distinguished themselves from Americans by having small Canadian flags sewn onto their hats or backpacks.

About ten years ago, a friend of mine was traveling in Europe (I can't remember which country). After a long day on the road, he arrived at a hotel where he was told there were no rooms available. He thanked the clerk, and turned to leave. He had taken no more than a few steps when the clerk said, "Wait a minute; I think I have something..." Could the clerk's sudden 'discovery' have had anything to do with the maple leaf on my friend's backpack?

It didn't take Americans long to take advantage of this simple technique. Eight years ago, in Africa, I met a couple of American backpackers wearing Canadian flags on their backpacks. They said it got them better treatment wherever they went.

In order to combat this intentional international confusion, Canadians will have to use a secret password, known to everyone in the world except Americans... the capital of Alaska, maybe. (I once knew an American who swore up and down that it was Anchorage, even claiming that my atlas (printed in Canada) was wrong.)

Geez, these Canadians don't know when to quit with the America bashing. All Americans know the capital of the picturesque 52nd state, Alaska, is Toronto. In your face!

Freedom Fries, Freedom Kissing

The French are the topic of the next two e-mails. One a story about the President banning French kissing, and the other explains the origins of French fries...

From: Paul Wren
Sent: Thursday, March 20, 2003 12:38 PM
Subject: First attempt at satire


Washington, D.C. - Inspired by the actions of restauranteurs and now U.S. Representatives, President Bush signed an executive order requiring all young Americans to refer to open-mouth kissing as "Freedom kissing", rather than "French kissing."

Speaking to reporters during the White House rose garden ceremony, Bush shared his admiration for patriotic restaurant owners. "When I heard that restaurants were changing their menus to serve Freedom Fries instead of French fries, I shed a tear of joy. But why should we restrict our patriotism to food? They say Paris is for lovers, but I beg to differ. I've stumbled onto Jenna and Barbara in their boyfriends' cars, and I can tell you the French have nothing on us."

Bush went on to say that he felt spurred to act when he heard that Rep. Bob Ney (R-Ohio) had ordered the word "French" be stricken from all House cafeteria menus on Capitol Hill. "When I heard about Bob's brave act, I decided I didn't want to be left out. I'm also thinking about requiring all D.C.-area bars to serve 'White Americans' instead of 'White Russians'. What do you boys think?"

When contacted, a spokesman for the French embassy declined comment, except to say that Europeans were using their tongues while kissing long before humans crossed the Bering Straits to North America.

Next, fries explained...

Sent: Thursday, March 13, 2003 5:24 AM
To: ''
Subject: French Fries

The French don't know the first thing about fries (and the Americans aren't
too close to having a clue either). Whatever idiot thought of the phrase
should go to France and try to buy fries.

Fries are a Belgian specialty. But we don't have any nuclear weapons (other
than the ones you store in our depots) so nobody gives a hoot.

In the mean time the French claim the fame for what they are not good at
making at all and the Americans put vinegar on them... vinegar for crying
out loud, why don't you fry them in napalm for chrissakes.

I think he has American's confused with the Brits. We just put ketchup on them over here.

That's all for this week. Thanks.

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