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Tuesday,  March 11 12:01 AM EDT

Uruk-Hai Unhappy with Portrayal in Films

By Brian Briggs

Los Angeles, CA - The Uruk-Hai Anti-Defamation League (UADL) announced that it would be boycotting the premiere of The Return of the King, and would picket theaters because they are unhappy with their portrayal so far in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Kidnapping of short movie-goers was also threatened.

Tired of being portrayed as warlike in
recent films an angry Uruk-Hai pickets
a local movie theater

The group demanded changes to The Two Towers DVD as well as the upcoming The Return of the King film. "We feel that more emphasis should be put on the fact that we didn't eat Merry and Pippin," said Wratch of the UADL. "We'd also like included the scene where Lerd and Ugol discuss the geo-political ramifications of an alliance between Sauron and Saruman that was shot but was cut from the film."

The Uruk-Hai have been trying to improve their image for years, running "Man Flesh Bad" educational commercials during popular orc TV shows like Everybody Love Shagrat, but all those efforts have been destroyed by the new films.

"Our depiction as warlike and evil creatures makes it difficult for us to get jobs in this post-war economy," continued Wratch. He noted that the unemployment rate among Uruk-Hai nears 56%, much higher than the national average. Most Uruk-Hai are employed at either Uh! Beverages Inc., makers of the White Hand energy drink, or in the lumber industry in the Pacific northwest.

Not everyone agrees. "I'll tell you why they can't get jobs. They keep beheading all my customers and eating their flesh. It's kinda disgusting when other patrons are trying to eat," said Graham Entman, manager of a Carls Jr.

The producers of the films think they are creating an accurate image of the orcs. "We need to be faithful to Tolkien's vision. Sure some consider him to be anti-Uruk-Hai, but we're not going to create some politically correct version where the Nazgûl make rainbows with their swords, and the Uruk-Hai play chess all day just because some orcs have their feelings hurt."

Some of the most hurtful comments center on the slaying of Boromir. "We get so much grief for killing Boromir. It's always 'Why'd you have to kill Boromir?' Don't they understand we were just following orders? And, Boromir was after the ring and tried to hurt Frodo, so in actuality it was really a good thing we killed him," said Wratch.

"I think the Uruk-Hai are reaping what they sow. They were bred to be destroyers of the

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world of men, and now that they ended up on the losing side they want us to feel sorry for them," explained Harold Torquist of Aurora, Illinois. But the Uruk-Hai don't want pity, they just want to be understood.

"Ever since the Lord of the Rings premiered, people are so frightened of me. They'll avoid me when I walk down the sidewalk, cabs will pass me by, and cops keep pulling me over for no reason. OK, I admit maybe the cops are pulling me over because of the smeared blood all over the driver's side door, but the other stuff is still true and it hurts," said one Uruk-Hai.

Complaints to the UADL about Uruk-Hai harassment have increased 47% since The Fellowship of the Ring was released.

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