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Monday,  March 24 12:01 AM EDT

Eleven Computers Drowned
In MP3 Witch Hunt

By Brian Briggs

Winston-Salem, NC - The IT department of Celemtech today destroyed eleven computers during a witch hunt for illegal files, mainly MP3s, on employee computer systems.

A giant tub of sea water was wheeled around, and suspicious computers were dumped in. If the computer floated, then it was considered possessed by MP3s. If it sunk, then it was considered pure and returned to the employees.

Head of the IT Bill Stoughton explained, "We know that MP3s are lighter than air, hence they should float on the water. The same applies to pornographic files as well."

Stoughton was heartened by the results of today's dowsings. "It appears that our educational e-mails about the dangers of MP3s are working. Every computer sank today," he said with a smile.

Employees targeted by the search voiced concerns about the cost of the procedure. "We've already drained our computer budget for the entire year," said Sarah Good in Purchasing.

Stoughton responded to the cost concern, "I'd like to point out that a single MP3 on one of these computers could cost our company thirteen billion dollars in lost productivity according to a study released by the RIAA."

Celemtech used to test the systems on a "trial-by-fire" basis, but that was fraught with problems. Stoughton said, "Every time we'd light one of those computers up, the sprinkler system would go off. It was ridiculous. Now we have MP3 detection down to a science."

Bridget Bishop, an administrative assistant in the sales department disagreed. "These guys have no idea what they are doing. Last week they were in here with giant magnets trying to 'cleanse my computer of corruption.' Then we got a memo saying that the giant magnets damaged the hard drives so they were going to dunk them in a vat of salt water. Morons."

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