Winston-Salem, NC - The IT department of Celemtech today destroyed
eleven computers during a witch hunt for illegal files, mainly MP3s,
on employee computer systems.
A giant tub of sea water was wheeled around, and suspicious computers
were dumped in. If the computer floated, then it was considered possessed
by MP3s. If it sunk, then it was considered pure and returned to
Head of the IT Bill Stoughton explained, "We know that MP3s
are lighter than air, hence they should float on the water. The same
applies to pornographic files as well."
Stoughton was heartened by the results of today's dowsings. "It
appears that our educational e-mails about the dangers of MP3s are
working. Every computer sank today," he said with a smile.
Employees targeted by the search voiced concerns about the cost
of the procedure. "We've already drained our computer budget
for the entire year," said Sarah Good in Purchasing.
Stoughton responded to the cost concern, "I'd like to point
out that a single MP3 on one of these computers could cost our company
thirteen billion dollars in lost productivity according to a study
released by the RIAA."
Celemtech used to test the systems on a "trial-by-fire" basis,
but that was fraught with problems. Stoughton said, "Every time
we'd light one of those computers up, the sprinkler system would
go off. It was ridiculous. Now we have MP3 detection down to a science."
Bridget Bishop, an administrative assistant in the sales department
disagreed. "These guys have no idea what they are doing. Last
week they were in here with giant magnets trying to 'cleanse my computer
of corruption.' Then we got a memo saying that the giant magnets
damaged the hard drives so they were going to dunk them in a vat
of salt water. Morons."
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