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Tuesday,  April 15 12:01 AM EDT

Microsoft Releases Flawless Web Server,
Commits Blasphemy

By Don Mowbray

Redmond, WA - Five days after the highly acclaimed release of Internet Information Services (IIS, version Omega), the corpses of top Microsoft executives and engineers were found smoldering in the offices of their Redmond, Washington headquarters. Industry analysts speculate that the flawless, perfect Web server software was deemed blasphemous by God himself and that the high-ranking Microsoft employees were smitten accordingly.

"In previous IIS releases, management mandated that the normally precision-obsessed Microsoft engineers should intentionally introduce numerous bugs into the software," said Microsoft spokesperson Shelly Waldstone at a recent press conference. "This policy was adopted from the time-honored tradition of the Persian rug weavers who intentionally insert subtle flaws into their treasured masterpieces. Only God can be perfect, and any pursuit of perfection in the secular sphere is pure, unadulterated sacrilege."

The release of IIS Omega represented a departure from Microsoft's policy of shipping sub-par software, however. Bill Gates was an extremely proud individual, and his ever-expanding sense of self-importance had a ripple effect throughout the organization. Apparently, God frowned on Microsoft's brazen display of excessive hubris and struck down its top executives in one fell swoop.

"God is an envious deity, and He will jealously defend His monopoly on perfection." said Heaven's spokesperson St. Peter. "God fancies himself a bit of a technophile, and out-coding the Supreme One is a sure way to unleash His full fury. And, between you and me, that's not really that difficult to do --- He isn't even certified yet, for Heaven's sake."

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When asked to comment on the fate of the deceased, St. Peter took the offensive. "Since Microsoft unilaterally deviated from its tradition of releasing buggy, bloated software, we had no other recourse but to cast management into the fiery pits of DLL Hell," he said.

Interim Microsoft executives are currently contemplating their next move. Unnamed sources suggest that Microsoft will counterattack with a crusade of its own, and order a surprise Business Services Administration audit of the afterworld's software inventory.

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