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Tuesday,  April 8 12:01 AM EDT

SEC Expels Journalists from Wall Street

By Michael Salivar

New York, NY - In a surprise move Monday, the SEC expelled a total of 146 reporters from the New York Stock Exchange, when they reported the exchange's drop back to previous lows, following the early war rally last week.

Top SEC officials cited recent expulsions of reporters from Iraq by the United States military as precedent. According to this new internal regulation, all members of the press, from this day forward, will be required to pass their reports through a strict approval process before passing them on to the general public.

"Every time a report from the NYSE finds its way to the public, the wealthiest of investors risk having their trading secrets exploited on a massive scale by millions of amateur day traders," said SEC Chairman William H. Donaldson, continuing, "This is clearly a great threat to any capitalist economy, where only a handful are truly able to succeed."

SEC Commissioner Harvey J. Goldschmid added, "If this threat of free information were to continue on unchecked, tens of economic giants would collapse, leaving only Microsoft to support our great economy. Needless to say, unemployment would skyrocket, our stockpiles of mass produced goods would quickly be depleted, and thus we would no longer be able to maintain general complacency."

Charles Davis, the executive editor of The Freedom of Information Advocate, strongly opposes the move.

According to Davis, "This effort by the SEC is clearly subversive to the rights and needs of the American people, attempting to heighten the economical advantages of the rich by birthright, and completely put them out of the reach of the general public."

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Luckily, the majority of American people will not have to worry themselves with this information, as Fox News has declined to report it. This, according to a written statement, is because it may cause broad civil unrest, and result in this Bush administration's approval rating to drop.

At this news, Charles Davis cried out, "This is absurd, there's nothing at stake here but our rights. The people have a right to know, and the press has an obligation to cater to those rights. The SEC is way out of line here, this isn't a battlefield!"

In direct response to Davis' objections, Chairman Donaldson replied, "Have you seen the pit recently? It's all-out war down there!"

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