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Friday, June 6 12:00 AM EDT

May 21 - June 21
Your professor won't be fooled by your "optimizing results" excuse. You were caught cheating on the math test. Deal with it.

June 22 - July 22
You'll be surprised to discover that they don't need a dental license to do a cavity search at the customs office at the airport.

July 23 - Aug 22
Tongue marks on your bagel lead you to believe they misheard you over the drive-thru speaker. Your toasted bagel is now a tasted bagel. Better hope it wasn't the smelly, fat cook that licked it.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you really cared about your dad you'd get him that nice new iPod this father's Day (hint, hint), or maybe a BBspot T-shirt.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
Banging a drum and screaming at the top of your lungs is very cathartic. Unfortunately, the other people in the sales meeting just find it annoying.

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Filing suit against Linux seemed like a good idea at the time, but now there's three million penguins out in the lobby, and they look pretty pissed.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
Keep digging. You still have time to finish your Harry- Potter-and- the-Order-of-the-Phoenix Hype Bunker before the book is released.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's great that your girlfriend likes The Matrix Reloaded, but I don't think she's gonna appreciate your suggestion that she wear tight black leather and change her name to Trinity. Maybe you should wait to suggest that until after she sees Revolutions.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
The recent tax cut brings back fond memories of 1999 when you actually had income to be taxed.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
No matter how much lobbying you do you'll never get Congress to establish a National Hot Chick/Guy Please Call Me List in your name.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your boss doesn't seem to appreciate you organizing an interim government. Especially, since you're doing it in his office.

Apr 20 - May 20
Now that the A/C in your office is damaged, be sure to turn around every 30 minutes so you cook evenly on all sides.

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