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Friday, October 17 12:00 AM EDT

Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your grief for your late hard drive will only increase this week when you come to grips with the cruel reality that the IT guys were kidding about "Data Heaven."

Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be happy when you see the box of your "Matrix: Reloaded" DVD this week. Finding a "The Best of Carrot Top” DVD inside instead, will make you even happier. And that's terrifying.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
If the NIC doesn't fit in the slot, force it in. That'll make it work.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
While your favorite ball team didn’t make it to the championship, at least you can take solace in the fact that they are at least consistent losers.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
Rage will not even begin to describe what you'll feel when you realize you are missing one of the 10000 pieces of the jigsaw puzzle. Pain will not even begin to describe what you'll feel when you realize it somehow got mixed up with your dinner and is now lodged in your colon.

Feb 19 - Mar 20
The stars say... HELLOOOO!?! DID YOU TRY PLUGGING IT IN!?!!?

Mar 21 - Apr 19
A strange convergence of the stars will lead you to clean out the garage so you can IRC with that Commodore 64. You might as well. The stars say you won't have a date this weekend either.

Apr 20 - May 20
News flash! All the reports of piracy online don’t mean there are REAL pirates about! But the stars say you should keep away from planks this week just in case.

May 21 - June 21
Horoscope? Horoscope? You don’t need no stinkin' horoscope!

June 22 - July 22
If this horoscope is blinking, you're a winner - or your monitor is broken.

July 23 - Aug 22
After many unsuccessful tries at bodybuilding, you'll learn that you need more than 5 pounds on the bench press if you want to build body mass.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars have just charged your credit card for money laundry service in amount of $234.65. If you feel this transaction was made by our mistake, please fill in your credit card number and expiration date and press "Okay"

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