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Wednesday, January 21 12:01 AM EST

BBspot Mailbag

Now you too can enjoy my Inbox without the annoying spam. Every week I get some amazing e-mail. Some amazing because of the sheer cluelessness of the sender, some because of the time and energy that went into crafting them and some are just simply amazing.


The warning label has stop the people looking for a handout from Enseme Ayele, and I think I found out why I was getting so many Believers from it...

From: Raja
Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2004 7:00 AM
To: ''
Subject: the Ensenam Ayele article

It sucks that you had to post that disclaimer. I was sending mailbag fodder your way by telling every gullible person I know that it was real, and that I had already received my millions!

Because of the disclaimer I had to scour the discussion boards looking for some believers...

No chance of it being a spoof then?


So just stay away from AMD's now.

Exploding Brains

I escaped with only superficial injuries from the exploding FedEx box o' death. This e-mail from Marie shows that I'm not the only one with injury problems...

From: Marie
Sent: Friday, January 16, 2004 10:04 AM
Subject: accidents on January 14!

Hey Brian,

If it's any consolation, I too had a nasty accident on January 14.
I don't have a reading audience of millions, but those who do know me like to call me "Crash" for my similar tendencies. I took a head-first tumble down an entire flight of stairs in my house, luckily not breaking anything, but bruising myself up royally (my jaw looks like I took a good left hook from Tyson). Today my office is having a Patriots Spirit Day (we're in New England and hoping the Pats win the AFC Championship this weekend), so I wore a Pats jersey, and with makeup added to my existing bruising
-- so I'm dressed to look like a Pats player does on Monday morning. :) Hey, if you can't have fun with your injuries, what good are they??

You should be very careful when reading BBspot, you could contract my injuring disease. Then you might need warning signs like the ones they made for me about my refrigerator and FedEx box accidents. Here's one of them, but there's more on the board....

Video Card Problems

Frequent contributor Scott Small had this to say about my video card problems...

System Too Slow For Video Card

Santa Clara, CA - nVidia graphics have issued a warning about their latest graphics cards being too fast for some systems. A spokesman for nVidia said, "We never thought it was possible. We just never considered the possibility that one of our graphics adapters would have more processing power than the pc it was put into."

The statement comes after numerous complaints and support requests were sent to the company from users experiencing difficulties playing games on their K6II and Celeron computers. nVidia has sent out warning labels to all retailers with the instructions that the labels be affixed before any more cards are sold.

Jen-Hsun Huang, Nvidia's President and CEO, issued a statement apologizing for any inconvenience this oversight may have caused. He also noted that exorbitant restocking fees might actually encourage some of these people to upgrade. "I mean really, who's running these machines? Have they never heard of Moore's Law?"

In response, some users noted that they were unable to afford regular upgrades due to their current financial situation. While other users like BBspot creator Brian Briggs, were outraged, "I just bought this peacey from Gateway and now your telling me it's too slow? I paid good money for this thing. That's three hundred dollars down the drain!"


Sometimes for the personals mockeries I have to go that extra mile to entertain my readers. Some readers are not pleased...

From: Matt
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 8:54 PM
Subject: Webcam Picture

Dude, are you wearing lipstick in that webcam shot? If you are, you should stop doing that or something… It’s scary!


From: Raja
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 12:23 PM
To: ''
Subject: bottlerocket

Please tell me you aren't wearing lipstick! Just lie if you have to, or make up some story about photochopping that hideous image!

Let me reassure everyone about this issue. My lips are not bright red naturally, and it takes some high technology to get them that color. Although, Photoshop isn't a part.

First, I invoke the great powers of mimicry I learned at The Actor's Studio in New York to match the Personal of the Day in both body and soul. This image is captured by a high speed digital camera at the instant of exact duplication.

Second, this image is transmitted to the digital wizards at Weta Workshop who use their giant server farms to render my lips in a perfect shade of red. Then the image is printed out onto high-gloss paper and sent via plane to Detroit Metro Airport. In Detroit armed couriers meet the Weta messenger and bring the picture to Ann Arbor, and deliver it to my house.

My trained capybara brings the picture to my office. I then take the picture into the bathroom and compare my wife's lipsticks to the picture. When I find a match, I apply the lipstick to a scale model of myself, also created by Weta.

Lastly, I kiss the scale model of myself, transferring the lipstick from its lips to mine and pose for the webcam.

See, that's not so scary now, is it?

That's all for this week!

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