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Friday, March 5 12:00 AM EST

Feb 19 - Mar 20
If looks could kill, you'd still be harmless.

Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars want you to know that your horoscope bill is due.

Apr 20 - May 20
The stars foresee a future that is filled with love, adventure, travel, and giant moth-women from outer space.

May 21 - June 21
You'll be disappointed to find out there will be no Lord of the Rings movie in 2004. The worst part is you already bought the tickets.

June 22 - July 22
You'll realize that you can't reboot your girlfriend to make her forget what you said about her weight. CTRL-Z won't work, either.

July 23 - Aug 22
Your home network is on the fritz. Perhaps you should check the router. It's the one that's smoking.

Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll discover that the locals don't quite celebrate St. Patrick's Day the same way as they do in America, especially the Shiite clerics.

Sep 23 - Oct 23
Be ready for a water voyage. Who would have thought that leaky faucet would flood your office?

Oct 24 - Nov 21
Live each day as if it were your last. Um... especially next Thursday.

Nov 22 - Dec 21
This horoscope has been banned by your workplace filtering software for racy content.

Dec 22 - Jan 19
After gaining twelve pounds you realize that the Fatkins Diet might be a cheap Korean knock off and not the real thing.

Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover that writing 48 horoscopes in a 2 day period will leave you creatively drained when coming to the last one.

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