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Thursday, April 29 12:00 AM EDT

Motorists Alarmed By
Increasing Size of Pedestrians

By Nikolaj Borg

Austin, TX - The Automobile Association of America issued a warning yesterday about what they consider "an alarming increase in the size and density of pedestrians."

Lance Torpey stands next to the station wagon that just ran into him.

Jamie Cropp, AAA President, outlined the two major dangers from pedestrians, "First, fat people - or Sport Utility People, as we like to call them - display incredible arrogance on our streets. You can lay on the horn and still they take forever crossing the street. An old, fat person? You might as well finish your conversation and your mocha latte, because you will have plenty of time.

"Sporty people are no drive in the park either," Cropp continued. "Like when you face a pack of them rollerblading down the sidewalk toward you. You can become confused by the multicolored helmets and drive straight into them. Next thing you know you have a knee or elbow pad wedged in your grill."

Lance Torpey, spokesperson for the Professional Pedestrian Psociety, admitted the body weight of the average pedestrian rose substantially in the past ten years. "Gaining weight is just a defense mechanism, a personal side-impact airbag, if you will. The PPP is working on a lightweight armor for those who are not equipped with airbags.

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"Also, being more rounded they roll off the hoods and quarter panels better, as well as rolling on the asphalt after being hit. That adds another layer of safety," continued Torpey. "Skinny people don't have a chance; they just hit the road and stop. They do not even bounce well. They need the armor."

European drivers face even greater danger from gigantic pedestrians as the average car is ten times smaller than those in the United States. "I've actually started avoiding pedestrians," said German driver Hans Gruber.

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