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Tuesday, August 30 12:00 AM EDT

Reasons Our Product is Better than the Competition's

11. Our celebrity spokesperson starred in some of your favorite movies, theirs molests children (or so we heard).
10. We let our 8-year-old employees have a break every six hours.
9. Because the mob is on our side, and we have your address.
8. Four out of five dentists have never filed a lawsuit against us.
7. Our headquarters in the Caribbean means we pay less taxes, so you pay less for our product.
6. Companies like GE, Boeing, Ford, Viacom, and Wal-Mart all have employees who have seen commercials for our products.
5. The lowest percentage of rat droppings, period!
4. We're not saying we use alien technology, but they certainly don't. Nano, nano.
3. Animal testing shows only slight genetic modifications.
2. Focus-group approved, European-sounding name.
1. Faster, stronger, more powerful and that's just our CEO's ejaculations.

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