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Monday, October 24 12:00 AM ET

Americans Finally Uncover Saddam's Hidden WMVs

By Brandon Dawson

Washington D.C. -, The Department of Defense today announced that Allied Forces had finally found Saddam Hussein's WMVs reversing months of negative speculation about the Bush Administration's causes for pursuing the War in Iraq.

US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld himself handled the early morning press conference, clearly ebullient about this success, coming as it did just in time to play a hand in Hussein's tribunal for crimes against the Iraqi people.

"Turns out they were right there all along", Rumsfeld stated, adding, "sitting right in a folder labeled 'WMVs'. Numa Numa, Star Wars Kid, I mean, he had 'em all, right alongside such obvious Baath Party favorites as 'Farm Implement Torture Remix #5' and 'Uday and Qusay's Excellent Adventure'".

Rumsfeld added that it was mere happenstance that led Allied IT Personnel to discover the folder. He said, "Our guys had been using Saddam's computer network to play some FPS head-to-head action."

"Then, one day, an IT specialist was scanning Saddam's hard drive to see what other classic gaming gems he might have squirreled away, we came right across this folder! Are our faces red? You bet! Should we have audited Hussein's computer for other intelligence data? You betcha! Are we gonna find Tariq Aziz's porn stash? Count on it."

Rumsfeld said, "Evidence clearly shows Hussein's deep personal involvement in p2p file sharing: We have the bootleg copies of 'Scarface' and 'Earth Girls are Easy' to prove it. It turns out that Saddam was also a huge fan of 'Xena: Warrior Princess.' He even posted to popular Xena message boards as 'BaathingXena'. Now we can expand the scope of Saddam's tribunal to include the added cost average Iraqis face in procuring their favorite Hollywood entertainment in the face of the Baath Party's blatant disregard for laws of international copyright."

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Rumsfeld added, "As if all his other defiance of International sanctions wasn't good enough, now he's going to have to answer to the RIAA and MPAA for his criminal misdeeds. May God have mercy on his soul."

Reports of US Intelligence's penetration of Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's "Albert Queda" Orkut group were met with studious no-comments.

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