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Thursday, July 20 12:00 AM EDT

I went to buy a universal remote the other day. I asked the salesman "will this one work in Alpha Centauri?" and then I laughed and laughed. He must not have gotten the joke because he just motioned to security. It was worth the concussion.

If you started stacking every AOL CD ever produced one on top of another, pretty soon you wouldn't be able to reach the top of the pile, so you'd go get a ladder and continue stacking until you couldn't reach again, then you might get an even bigger ladder to continue stacking, but after that I bet you'd give up.

I hate it when someone phones me up for help with some problem and I ask them "what's on your screen?" and they say "blood."

IBM should make toilets because it would be easy to always associate I BM with them.

Next time you see a little kid surfing the internet, yank out the Ethernet cable when they're not looking and tell them they broke the internet. Then pretend to call the police.

I was looking to find a new online friend to play games with, so I signed up at Adult Friend Finder, but no one seemed to be interested in the same games as me.

Sometimes I wish the movie The Matrix was true because then I wouldn't have to buy batteries.

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